So sick of it all!!!
Today was definitely NOT a good day.. Poor Potatey ate something last night that did not agree with him, and as a result spent the hours between 1.30 am and 6 am this morning throwing up pretty much non-stop... Which resulted in me getting about 1 hour and 45 minutes of sleep (and I'm rounding up here..). Potatey ended up staying home from day care.. there was no way this poor kid was in any shape to go anywhere... He's bouncing back a little now, but he was definitely profoundly miserable today.. and it just broke my heart to see him this way...
So of course the lack of sleep, seeing my little man being so miserable, and a whole bunch of other s##t that happened today (including Salamander continuing to be in pretty heavy detox and now having a bad, croupy cough that just doesn't want to go away) conspired to create one pissah of a mood.
I am SICK of it all. I am sick of metabolic disorders, I am sick of chasing after kids with disgusting tasting supplements, I am sick of special diets, I am sick of cooking everything from scratch, I am sick of autism, I am sick of schools who just don't understand that being high functioning doesn't equal being neurotypical, I am sick of always having to be the 'strong one', I am sick of doing all of this on my own (no offense dear friends, I love you all, and you all are a very important part of my life and play a key role in retaining what little sanity I have left; but when it all comes down to it, it's ME and ME alone who is keeping my two monkeys well).
Yes, I am feeling very sorry for myself tonight.. Can I please? Just for one night?
No, because that's not who you are used to seeing???
Well, tough luck buddy... I am human and momma needs a break...
To quote Sheryl Crow:
God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'll be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my friend?
[made a small change to the lyrics here; Sheryl is talking about a strong man.. I have given up on having a strong MAN with me on this crazy rollercoaster ride..]
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
You can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my friend?
Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my friend?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and cannot stand
Will you be strong enough to be my friend....
Oh s##t, Potatey just woke up crying... Here we go again....
posted by Petra @ 7:41 PM
6 Comments
6 Comments:
Yes, I'm strong enough
Crazy enough,
Psychotic enough,
Funny enough,
Empathetic enough,
To be your friend.
We've all been there.
We'll all be there again.
You DON'T need to be the strong one all the time.
Friendship doesn't work that way.
Friends need each other.
Don't go it alone.
Don't be afraid to reach out; friends want you to.
Autism is hard work.
It can suck the life out of you.
You lose yourself sometimes.
Grab hold of my hand and I'll pull you up.
But don't let go...you'll need to pull me up next time.
Yes, I'm strong enough. And so are you.
xoxoxoxo
Cheryl.. I LOVE you!!! Thanks so much for being my friend. I am grabbing hold right now.. and won't let go....
THANKS for being strong enough..
Ah, Petra. You caught the despair I felt on Tuesday night when I read about the Joys of Autism and the "Window" it gives the autistic person. Note to Petra: You are human. I know, I know, you're supposed to be superhuman, since so few docs can help your kids. Since most people have no idea what you go through, nor do they care. There are plenty of us in the trenches with you. When the bombs fall we'll cover you with our own bodies. And together we'll survive. When we meet our maker we'll know with unflagging certainty that we never gave up on our kids. Not for a minute. In the Christmas season, I think Mary will send you a blessing for peace. Peace.
K
Thanks K. Let's hope that Mary can find it in her heart to send a few blessings an old sinner's way... I can sure use them (you KNOW what a bad year this has been).
Oh, I am all too familiar with the superhuman complex...and that putting on that superhuman facade becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy...Because once you have put yourself out there as being superhuman, you seem to have lost any future "rights to have someone recognize the validity of your feelings and how your days and moments are always uphill" (I shamelessly stole this from another dear friend who wrote me off-line). And then when you do try to exercise that right... oh boy...people run screaming for hills...(not my fellow lionhearted mommies in the trenches though..and thank God for you all..)
Petra,
You have every right to feel this way. We, autism mommies have our work cut out for us. NO ONE else will ever understand what our lives are like. We ALL need to break down sometime and go thru some self pity. It is therapeutic. It is NEEDED for our SANITY. For the good of our kids. For it is after this self pity spell that you will emerge strong again. Even stronger than before. So go ahead. Eat that pound of chocolate and also down a few glasses of wine. Cry a little, shout a little, swear a little - anything that makes you feel lighter. This is a big load you're carrying and if you don't take breaks you'll get crushed. Hang in there my friend! You have all of our shoulders to cry on.
S
Hey S - thanks for that shoulder. I really, really needed it. Yeah, I guess I was due for a falling apart session. Am still not back where I need to be, but doing better. The killer always is that I can't really afford to breakdown when there's a crisis here.. there's nobody here that will step up to the emotional plate when I just can't anymore..So my little 'woo me' session was ill timed and it did unsettle my boys. Especially for Salamander it's superhard when mommy is not 'there' emotionally... But I think I'm on the way 'up' again...
Thanks again gals, for being there and for being my friends..
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