Sunday, May 18, 2008

Growing Up Neurologically Dysregulated..

The article I posted earlier today about the 10 year old boy with Bipolar Disorder has stayed with me, no, has HAUNTED me all day.....

So many memories that bubbled back up.. stuff I thought I had dealt with and 'put away'...

To put things in perspective, Salamander's moods are relatively stable right now... And, since starting Dr. Amy's protocol in August of 2006, I've seen very nice and steady improvements in Salamander's neurotransmitter balance (his dopamine and norepinephrine breakdown products have always been completely out of wack.. not that they are perfect now, but they ARE getting better), and in his ability to process and regulate his moods and emotional upheavals. Also, his lows and highs have evened out.. the lows are happening further apart and they are not as intense as they used to be..

I AM, however, always on eggshells, always waiting for that other shoe to drop, always ready to move to DEFCON 1. A good day today does not guarantee a good day tomorrow. Heck, a good morning does not guarantee a good afternoon...It is exhausting to always have to be ready to go to crisis mode. And it is downright torture to see Salamander in one of his extreme highs or extreme lows. I know he's in pain, I do what I can to help him, but when things go bad, it just isn't enough. It's never enough...

There are no easy answers here, no easy solutions. The world is a tough place for a child that's different, especially for a kiddo that is as smart as Salamander, who's aware enough that he realizes that he is different, but who is so neurologically sensitive and fragile. TG, he has people in his life, beside me, who understand that when things go bad, it's not because he chooses to have things go bad. When the neurotransmitters go cooky, there is not much he can do.. he is literally just going along for the ride. And when this happens, he needs patience, calmness, understanding and a lot of TLC. What he does NOT need is being yelled at, being made fun of, being belittled, being ignored, being told to 'just knock it off'...

Tonite things were a bit tough.. this was definitely an evening of extremes. Giddy, crazy happiness/silliness one moment, deep down in the dumps sadness the next (and no, it's not a yeast flare.. his yeast has been under control for quite a while now). Something shifted around 5 pm today.. part of it may have been low blood sugar, part of it may have been the realization that he has another math MCAS session tomorrow, part of it may have been the realization that I am going to be away from him for a few days by the end of the week...

You know how people say that it's good for the kids when their parent(s) go(es) away for a little bit? While it may be good for me to be away from it all for a few days (my last time away from the boys was an overnite trip last year September, and prior to that a week in late Jan/early Feb 2007, and many, many years prior to THAT), it is not necessarily so good for Salamander... I know he'll try his very best to get through those days that I am not physically there.. He has my cell phone number and he knows he can call me anytime, anywhere.

I can't help but worry though, I can't help but worry...

3 Comments:

At 12:24 PM, May 19, 2008 , Anonymous Jeanne said...

Petra,

I can FEEL your anxiety through your post. I'm sorry. You must feel very torn. But going away for a few days will allow you to recharge your batteries, which will allow you to be able to return home (somewhat) refreshed and ready to get back at it. Of course, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know... I'm just yammering on because your post hit a nerve with me.
Try to enjoy your time at AOC.
:-)

 
At 4:14 PM, May 19, 2008 , Blogger Petra said...

Hi Jeanne:

Thank you for your kind words. And just in time too. Salamander just had a, pretty intense, meltdown. This one had been brewing for a bit, so I was somewhat prepared..

I know that once I get to Chicago, I'll worry less (I won't completely stop worrying.. LOL). Salamander WILL get through those few days that I'm gone. And you are so right, - I- will be better able to keep 'at it' when I get back.

Funny/sad.. I had this exact same conversation in late Jan of last year. Same issues, same feelings, same worries. And the kiddos DID survive my absence (but let's not talk about how long it took ME after I got back to get everything back on track.. LOL).

 
At 6:31 PM, May 19, 2008 , Anonymous Jeanne said...

Enjoy your trip! I can't wait to hear all about it! :-)

 

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