Ramblin's...
This started as a response to a comment that was left yesterday to my previous post. I think it deserve a post of its own...
Thank you for that, thank you...
I'll admit that I did have a mini breakdown, when, after attempting to talk with Salamander's other parent about the implications of the educational diagnostic test results, I was "shut down and shut out" (this is after all a *hot potato* situation, so the other parent does NOT and will NOT want to get involved). So the "audience" got an up-close-and-personal glimpse of who's the deal-er and who's the die-er in the parental outfit.
And while THAT will never ever be acknowledged, there were some subtle signs yesterday of other people finally grasping that I am not a control freak, over-anxious, hysterical, I-can't-believe-she-does-this-to-these-kids mommy; but that Salamander has faced and will continue to face enormous challenges and that I take my RESPONSIBILITY of providing him with the tools to help manage/overcome those challenges very, very serious.
And the other key thing too is that, not only do I LOVE my kids to bits, I really really LIKE them and I really like BEING WITH with these two boys. And while others clearly love them, I don't think they actually like being with the boys nor do they truly appreciate them for the unique beings they are.
There was so much expectation for the boys to behave like "pint sized" adults. And they are NOT!! They are little beings that are growing, evolving, and changing every single day, and I am so blessed that I can watch and actively participate (at least for now; until they no longer want 'dear old mum' around.. LOL) in their journey.
I don't know if what I'm about to say is going to make sense. But the prevailing belief with others seems to be that I have completely "given up" my life (one comment that was made more than once was "how everything revolves around -these- kids."). And that may be how it looks to an "outsider".
I don't feel it that way, I don't see it that way; to me it's more that, right now (and hopefully for several more years) the boys and I share the road in our life's journeys. And I really like my traveling companions. At some point, the roads WILL diverge, the roads MUST diverge; but until that happens, I am going to enjoy every minute of our shared journey (doesn't mean we won't hit rough spots and that those rough spots don't SUCK; they do..).
Didn't mean to get this "philosophical", but my house has completely emptied out as of 30 minutes ago, and for the first time in about 80 hours I can actually "hear myself think".
Off to clean up the *bomb shelter* and then work, work, work....
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I am adding a link to a Huffington Post piece that I think is very much worth the read. It fits...
posted by Petra @ 8:45 AM
2 Comments
2 Comments:
Hello, I found your blog sometime ago, through Charlie in Wonderland. I am amazed by your energy. Keep pushing the academic pathway, if you don't who will? It seems we have experienced some of the same extended family issues. Our son is now 15 and I was recently asked by a close family member if I didn't think our son would be happier among his own kind? I just stared at her...to open my mouth and speak risked very bad language escaping. This same brilliant mind once said that I could not make my whole life about his Autism. If not me then who?? You are a remarkable Mom.
Hi!!
Thanks so much for what you wrote above. Trust me, I'll keep pushing until I'm in my grave. My mind is already going a mile a minute trying to figure out how to get funding for the intense educational support Salamander is going to need and how to work this into the current public school schedule (I've gone into my, what a dear friend of mine calls, 'Don't f#ck with Momma Bear on the loose' mode... LOL... this same friend has succesfully negotiated with very high level business people all over the world, but fully admits that I scare him sh#tless when I "go there").
My mouth fell open reading that comment from that "close" family member. And exactly what would "his own kind" be? Isn't your son's family his own kind????
People like that drive me crazy (obviously..and yes, some very bad language would have/has escaped my mouth too). So what exactly are our kids to them? Blemishes that need to be hidden? Curiosities (sp?) that belong in the zoo to be studied, and maybe admired from afar?
So many people forget that our kids are KIDS first and foremost. That they have feelings, just like any other person, and that they are far from (I hate using this word) "stupid". They sense when they make people uncomfortable, they sense when people pity them...
I actually have a little pet theory around the behaviors displayed by these *darling* extended family members. They simply recognize too d@mn much of what I/Salamander are going through in what they went through with one or more of their own kids. And while they decided to just "wish it all away" and not take any action (as sjeesh louise, what THEY wanted in life took precedent over what the child may have needed), they now realize that they took the coward's way out. And they secretly wish they could have been the warriors we are. But instead of owning up to that, they make assinine comments like the one you got, or they make excuses like "well, those resources just weren't available. We just didn't know. And not everybody is as determined as you are. And not everybody can do what you do."
Blaaaaahhh.. it's a choice, right? Like with anything. Back to the dealin' or the dyin' thing. But I'd rather *go down* fighting then have to face my children when they are all grown up and have to tell them that I was just to darn chicken sh#t to fight for them (or to friggin' absorbed in leading my own life) to get out of my own *comfort zone.*
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