Coping Skills...
As I was cleaning up my "I'll have to put this aside for now, but will read it later" mail pile (which had become about as high as Potatey is tall.. LOL), I came across the Spring 2008 TACA newsletter. And just by chance, the newsletter fell open on an article labeled "Top Ten List of Coping Skills for Fathers of Children with Autism".
After the initial sarcastic 'in-my-head" response of "Pick me, Pick me, I can list at least five without even trying: 1) denial, 2) withdrawal, 3) avoidance, 4) 'Oh WHY is this happening to ME', and 5) run like hell", I decided to squelch my inner biotch and actually read what the article had to say (you can find a scanned copy here).
I found myself nodding my head at every single coping skill listed, as they all make so much sense (as in "common sense"). So why is it these things 'just click in place' for the majority of moms, but seem so hard to grasp for so many of the fathers???
Let's face it, raising kids is HARD. Add to that dealing with challenges in a variety of permutations, and it becomes TEN TIMES, no TWENTY TIMES as hard. And there really is no more 'OK, by the time they're 18, they'll leave the house and we're done' (if that is EVER the case). Raising kids right means working your a$$ of. Raising kids right means putting your own wants on the backburner for as long as is needed. And raising kids right means that the decisions you make need to keep their best interest front and center.
For the particular dynamics at play here, point no 2 "This not about you" pretty much sums it up. That part, for whatever reason, never registered and still hasn't. Guilt was never part of the pic though, it was and is much more a "darn, these kids do take up a lot of my time and keep me from doing what I want to do when I want to do it" thing (for full disclosure, things between the boys and their father are better now - but that's because the boys are in a pretty good space at the moment. No guarantees that things will stay better when things get rough again.. Nope, not cynical/sarcastic biotch speaking - just many years of experience). And it was and still is always up to me to make the tough decisions...
Oh well, it is what it is. Some people grow up when they have kids. Others never do, or become so incredibly needy that you find yourself with another "child" (and saying "it's because you're so strong, you are so good at this, and you handle it all so well" is NOT a compliment, it's a very convenient excuse for not having to 'get in the trenches and get messy').
posted by Petra @ 10:30 PM
2 Comments
2 Comments:
You know, you're so right. And the TACA Top Ten List is good... like you said, common sense.
On the other hand, your (partial) Top Ten list was excellent! I know the TACA list is really saying what you are saying, just in a non-threatening way, I just relate more to the tone of your list.
I think we all just want to scream, "SNAP OUT OF IT!!"
Here's what gets me, the ASSumption that all of "this" is somehow MY job (and I do it all, gladly.. but come on... isn't this a partnership?). Comments like, "Sure, I'll do that for you.." or doing something and then expectantly waiting for the gallery to clap... what the hell is that?
You're not doing this for ME, you're doing this for your child. SNAP OUT OF IT! You don't get a pat on the back or round of clapping (standing ovations are out too) for taking care of your child. SNAP OUT OF IT! And remember, you're either part of the problem or part of the solution. You decide. If you want to be part of the solution, roll up your sleeves and quit your whining. If you end up being part of the problem, well, you have no one but yourself to blame when you get kicked to the curb. SNAP OUT OF IT!
Oh, sorry... wow... why is it, my friend, that you write so many things that hit a nerve with me?
Anyway, excellent post! My stiff neck feels a little looser after venting... I can look to the right! It's a miracle!
First things first - glad the neck is looser; amazing how much tension we hold into that part of body isn't it (it's all that teeth grinding and muttering under our breath.. LOL)? Venting is therapeutic. I myself don't do nearly enough of it.
As to the rest, well, Jeanne, my dear 'sister in the messy trenches', maybe I hit a nerve because I write what so many are thinking? I know that my perception is far from unique.. I hear it everywhere amongst moms, special needs kids or not. And by this point in my life, having gone through all that I've gone through, I really don't hold back anymore... Got nothing to loose and all that.
Hear you completely on the "MY job" thing... somewhere along the way I completely missed the fact that I signed off on firing "Petra" and completely replacing her with mom, cook, cleaning lady, personal shopper, therapist, educator, activist, biochemist, pharmacist, nurse, social secretary, etc., etc., etc. It's taken me a looong time to find some parts of "Petra" back.. and, take it or leave it, she's here to stay!!!!
Having to do high fives, standing ovations, express ever lasting gratitude for doing what is, in my view, simply part of parenting? Baloney. See, I tried to do that for many years. Didn't make one heck of a difference. So I finally got organized to a point that things are running the way they need to be run, with or without "additional" involvement.
Keep doing what you're doing, girl friend, for Charlie and the teenagers. And don't apologize for one bit of it!!
Oh, raise some hell for me in DC will ya? Our voices need to be, no, shall be heard!!!
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