Monday, October 13, 2008

I Lost It..

So I totally *blew up* at my kids about 30 minutes ago.. over some really stupid sh#t.. and I wasn't even mad at THEM.... what they said and did was simply the proverbial drop....(and no worries, boys and I have already talked through what happened and of course I apologized to them, and explained that I am a "cranky pants" today and should put myself "in time out").

I feel terrible for taking my anger and frustration out on them, while I should have directed it at the person I am really TRULY INCREDIBLY pissed at...Not that giving that person a piece of my mind would ever make a difference; that person has perfected the art of floating through life in a bubble of "none of this concerns me, none of this affects me, none of this is going to keep me from doing what I want to do when I want to do it".

How in the blazes can you not be affected by your beautiful 10.5 year old son:

  • Struggling academically and knowing that it has nothing to do with his intellectual capabilities, but everything to do with LDs and teaching methods that just don't fit so well with said child's neurology..
  • Needing serious academic remediation, which will make said child's regular day even longer and more intense than it already is (and Salamander is TIRED; when will the poor guy get a chance to just be a kid?)..
  • Having serious bowel and bladder issues again because of continued gut dysbiosis issues..
  • Struggling with a whole host of other challenges?

And how can you not be affected by how all of this is affecting your beautiful 5.5 year old?

How in the world can you just mentally and emotionally "shut yourself off" from all that the boys are dealing with (and just dump all the issues on me to figure out), and instead go off, either shopping and spend a sh#tload of money on stuff you don't need because "YOU just felt like buying it", or spending hours on the computer playing Solitaire???

What about what these two beautiful boys deserve????


At 7:39 AM, October 14, 2008 , Blogger Renee said...

I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. I've been grouchy at Michael more than I care to admit. But the wonderful thing about our kids is their endless capacity for love and forgiveness. It's truly a remarkable thing.

At 8:29 AM, October 14, 2008 , Anonymous Jeanne said...

Let's just make it a group hug.

Petra, I'm sorry. I'm sending you some positive energy!!!

As far as a certain someone not being concerned. I think there comes a point in our lives where we have to ACCEPT that certain people are NEVER going to be on board. They are NEVER going to support us. They are NEVER going to concern themselves with our children and their treatments.

So having said that, how many times do we have to be pissed, sad, feel abandoned, resentful, etc., before we wake up and say, "Okay, I'm in this alone. I can do this, I've been in this alone from the beginning. Today is no different than yesterday or 3 years ago."

Maybe, if we're lucky, by accepting the truth, and by giving up our desire to change people ('cause we cannot ever do that - we can only change ourselves and the way we react to people), we can move on and actually enjoy our lives - every minute.

People like a certain someone you are talking about, and many others, are energy vampires. They are black holes of negativity and they get stronger with every ounce of energy wasted being pissed at them.

I think the best thing to do is to disarm the person. How to do that? I think you have to react (or NOT react) in a way they would not expect - knock the breath out of them with your lack of response. These people are conditioned to expect certain responses, they are not affected by them. Just as we have conditioned ourselves to respond to them in a certain way - without even thinking, boom - we respond.

I say next time any of us are hit with this situation (and I know we will be) we all stop. Breathe. And then let it go and move on to something that will fill our bodies, minds and hearts with positive energy.

Just my opinion. And certainly easier said than done. ;-)

At 9:13 AM, October 14, 2008 , Blogger Petra said...

Renee - thanks for stopping by and thanks for the hug!!

Jeanne - you have no idea how much I needed to read this just now (more of the same B# S# from that certain someone earlier today, and I once again got royally pissed off..)

You are right. I need to change the way I react, and the best way for me to react is by not reacting AT ALL. I need to wrap myself in my own little bubble when it comes to the (non) actions of this certain someone and just let it all bounce off.

Easier said than done? Yes, absolutely. But essential for my own sanity and management of stress levels that I learn to do this. And I need to learn to do this well, and I need to learn this quickly.

Would it be healthier for me to no longer have this particular energy vampire in my life? Yes, absolutely. But that's not an option (believe me, if there was no biological link between this person and the boys I would have done the *exorcism* a looooong time ago). So I got to make it work somehow.

I have been alone in all of this (emotionally, financially, hunting down docs/treatments, organizing therapies, driving kids to doctors appts and therapies, working with school, shopping, cooking, etc, etc) for over 4 years now. So why indeed do I still expect things to be(come) different?

I AM alone in all of this, I will continue to be alone in all of this (but hey, wait a sec. I am not necessarily completely emotionally all alone in this.. after all I do have all of you). And that's just the way it is (and let's not go down the 'it shouldn't be that way' track...LOL)

So that being said, the next 10+ weeks are going to be insanely stressful, as I will be adding 2 extra hours of educational interventions to Salamander's daily schedule, + travel time at a round trip of 50 miles/day 5 x week. And I'll have to figure out how to keep everything else going (grocery shopping, cooking, doctor's appointments, biomed treatment, other therapies, school stuff, etc etc), while continuing to procure and complete paying work (as I said before, financially I am pretty much on my own in this as well; and with the current financial climate that means I have to take each and every job that comes my way; beggers can't be choosers).

So bottom line, I need to spend my energy wisely (and certainly NOT use it to feed the energy vampire). Time to focus on what needs to get done to pull all of this of.

Jeanne, I can't thank you enough for writing down what I already knew in my heart and soul. But I needed for someone to 'smack me upside the head with it'. A weight has been lifted of my shoulders - I can now shut down the (negative) energy drain (and completely NOT feel guilty about it) and "move on".
I am going to put a link to this post on my desktop, as I know I'll need to read this again and again over the next several weeks, as a reminder to stay focused on what truly matters.


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