A random collection of happy moments..

Typically my Christmas Eve is dominated by a flurry of last minute shopping, cooking, gift wrapping and what not... Odly enough, not so this year. Not that I don't have all of the above to do, I do ... just like any other year, but this year I am not consumed by it.. Things will get done somehow, and if they don't, that's OK too...

I find myself strangly at peace.. in a calm place.. something I have not experienced in years.. I don't know exactly how I landed in that place.. but it's nice to be here.. and while plenty happens during any given day that should throw me out of that calm place.. I have been able to 'stay put'.

And then this morning, it struck me. I am HAPPY! While there is a lot going on in my life that is absolutely NOTHING to be happy about.. au contraire.. For whatever reason however, the shitty stuff is not defining me right now, it's not holding me down or back...The shitty stuff just 'is', and I am dealing with it the best I can.. but I am not letting it take the joy out of the good moments.. I am no longer waiting for that other shoe to drop... I KNOW it will drop... and when it drops, I will deal.. like I always do...

Maybe, just maybe.. just like all of us have to make our own definition of what "recovery" will mean for our kids.. we all need to make our own definition of "happiness" as well? In all honesty, my list of what would make me truly happy had become utterly unrealistic (although conventional society would probably consider this list perfectly "normal"), considering the boys' and my own circumstances.. So instead of chasing relentlessly after what I thought was absolutely essential in making me happy, and this chase frequently involved demanding from the people in my life that they fullfill expectations that they aren't willing or able to meet, I am now simply enjoying what people ARE willing and able to give. And that mind shift is creating this.. somewhat odd.. inner calm....

[The irony in all of this, and for me this is turning into one of life's profound lessons, is that the people that by society's conventional rules I should be able to demand the most from, are willing to give the least ... and then there are truly amazing people in my life that are giving so much.. without any asking on my part...]

Without going on and on, here are some happy moments from the past few days:

Potatey having a price BM on Friday afternoon, despite the horrific stool report I got back a few days ago. And having another price BM on Saturday morning.. (things have gone south since in that department.. but that is because I've increased his gut treatments..)

Salamander telling me yesterday morning.. despite having been manically obsessed with toy catalogs and his Wish List for Santa for the past two months.. that if he had to choose between having lots of new toys and having his family, he'd choose his family...

Sitting on the floor with my two boys on Friday evening being totally silly with blowing up and letting go of a balloon.. and just watching the joy on their faces.. and realizing that for about 45 minutes I had totally forgotten about their supplement lists and what they needed to take next..

Attempting to bake cookies yesterday afternoon (and making a good cookie dough that does NOT involve the use of wheat flour, milk, butter, eggs or sugar IS a challenge), succeeding in making cookie dough and having the boys shape said dough into pretty decent cookies.. only to see the cookies completely "blow up" in the oven (I used a bit too much baking soda.. so the suckers rose to about quadruple their original size) .. and finding my two boys laughing hysterically as they are peeking into the oven...

Talking with my dad on Wednesday morning (he has a very aggressive form of Non Hodgkin's that will eventually 'do him in') ... and laughing so hard as he is poking fun at his own situation that I almost peed in my pants..

Having my two boys run toward me yesterday afternoon and body slam me so hard that I lost my balance, fell on the floor, cracked my head and saw stars for a while.. and just enjoying the feel of their two little bodies on top of mine...

Listening to my two boys chat while they are working TOGETHER on a lego project...

Having a dear friend call me yesterday afternoon to wish me a Merry Christmas and her not "batting an eye lash" as our conversation is interrupted every nano second by me having to "redirect" my two monkeys to make sure they stay out of trouble..

Hearing my two boys start a thrilling redemption of Jingle Bells, and realizing that they are singing the Madagascar version .. (Jingle Bells, Monkey Smells, Marvin laid an egg... )


I have no idea how long I will be able to stay in this 'happy place'.. for now I am just enjoying being here.. And whatever will happen, will happen...And the boys and I will survive...


Wishing you all a very happy and peaceful holiday season!!