Riding the rollercoaster.. once again....

Below are excerpts of an e-mail I sent to several close friends on the evening of March 17. As there is a continuation to this that I plan on posting here directly, I need to 'repeat' a few things...

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Forgive me for getting a little maudlin.. it's the evening before Potatey turns 4 years old.. And it's been a crazy 4 years on the Mad Roller coaster.... starting in March of 2003 with Potatey's arrival 5 weeks before his estimated due date!!!!

Believe me, there are days that I wish the roller coaster ride I find myself on would just stop.. break down.. go kaput... whatever.... anything.. just so I can get OFF the d##n thing and walk, no RUN, away..

Never thinking THAT for more than a nano second of course... I am waaaay too pigheaded to ever give up on anything I start/do.. especially when it comes to my boyos...Combine that with momma bear instincts in overdrive, and the fact that I love my two young men more than I can ever put in words.... well, NOT dealing with what is tossed our way is not even an option...

The uphill battle DOES get to me though.....especially when I find myself, once again, in a stack-up of stuff that's..well... complicated...

I was doing reasonably well on Thursday late afternoon after I finally had wrapped up on the contracting project from HELL (although there is no rest for the weary.. next phase of same project is due April 30th, so I need to keep going full out.. Ugh... ). Called a few friends from the car on the ride home to vent about said project to 'get it out of my system', and felt pretty 'in control' of things (yes, yes... I can hear several of you start to laugh hysterically... feeling 'in control' of things?? Who was - I - kidding????)

Then from the moment I walk into the house on Thursday eve.. the Mad Roller coaster picks up speed again and we're in for another loopdeeloop...

I had to stay up until 3 am on Thursday morning (yup, you are reading the 3 am part right) to work through Salamander's school plan and his MCAS accommodations.. and realized that two key accommodations that were discussed at his team meeting weren't reflected in his IEP (and MCAS testing starts Monday.. yes, stupid mommy.. should have looked at THAT IEP a few months ago.. couldn't, as the contracting gig had gotten so crazy and I have been working pretty much round the clock)

As I am working on Salamander's IEP, I work through his latest 24 page thick neuropsychology report, and I realize that while I may be able to help him overcome a lot of the challenges associated with his autism, I may NOT be able to do quite as much about his learning disabilities. Which breaks my heart.. as he is one bright kiddo.. with a very unusual and complicated learning profile/style.. which his current school is barely able to accommodate to.. and I realize that in another one or two years, he is going to need a very different educational placement (more homework for me, to find him the right school ...)

I get test results in the mail for BOTH boyos that once again feed into my suspicion that this house is slowly poisoning them (yes, yes.. I need to get off my butt and get this house tested. And if results come back the way I suspect they'll come back, I gotta find a new place and MOVE.. as there is no way I'll be able to afford fixing the issues)

Potatey's digestive system came to a grinding halt again (yup, serious constipation), and overall is not improving nearly as much as it should have improved by now.. so I need to get him into a pediatric GI specialist for an endoscopy of his GI tract, from top to bottom.

I find out that Salamander has been 'white board eraser boy' for the past week in school and therefore has been exposed to dry erase markers, white board cleaning solutions etc .. an absolute NO NO for a kid that is as sensitive to chemicals as he is.. so no wonder he was a weepy, anxious, volatile mess for most of last week.. and no wonder he looked terrible again.. and no wonder we had so many letter reversals, trouble in remembering math facts again.. (he started doing better on Saturday night just before his bed time.. of course having been away from all of that stuff for more than 24 hours by then.. and me doing my usual 'let's mop up the toxins in his system' drill...)

I had to drive on Friday afternoon from my house to my client's in a snowstorm for a meeting, and didn't make it back home until 7 pm, got stuck in my own drive way as it hadn't been completely plowed yet, and found two very tired, very cranky monkeys anxiously waiting for me to get home.. (they calmed down quite quickly once I walked in)......

I felt terribly guilty being too tired to really go 'all out' on the birthday party I would have liked to give for Potatey. I KNOW he's not going to care that much.. as long as he gets his loot (which he will) and as long as there is chocolate cake (which I still have to make.. will do THAT tomorrow) and balloons to throw around (have to get THOSE tomorrow too).. he'll be happy (it's just that.. well.. the kiddo hasn't really had a proper birthday party in his entire life, due to all the insanity in this house. And I've been so insanely busy that I have not yet had a chance to plan anything for him and his little buddies from school.. on my to do list for Monday..)



And then just when I think this roller coaster is completely spinning out of control again, stuff happens that shows that.. eventually... the boyos and I WILL be OK....

I found my two young men, when I came home this afternoon from my little 'escape', working TOGETHER in shovelling out what snow still remained on my drive way. They had great fun pelting each other (and then me) with soggy snow clumps.. and they both looked sooo much better and acted so much better after a good romp in the snow.

Salamander came spontaneously up to Potatey after dinner and then sat next to him on the couch giving Potatey the biggest hug ever, whispering in Potatey's ear 'you are going to be a big boy now', and Potatey hugged Salamander back, and both of them just sat on the couch together for a good 5 minutes, arms tightly wrapped around each other, without screaming, screeching, hitting, biting, kicking or punching..

Salamander came up to me after Potatey had gone off to bed and told me that he is going to sing three songs for Potatey tomorrow, and then proceeded to sing said three songs for me, so I can hear what the songs are..(and several of you know how BIG this is.. Salamander refused to sing for the first 6 years of his life, and screamed at anybody else who did for the first 7 years of his life..)


So sure, once again we are doing a mad circle on the wacky carousel of life with kids with challenges..(and it continues to take me by surprise how we can go from spinning at a manageable 10 miles/hour to a nauseating 80 miles/hour in 30 seconds flat) but when it all comes down to it.. we will be OK.. we are OK..

I just loose sight of that sometimes..