Sunday, March 02, 2008

Tired Ramblings...

God, I'm tired... All is quiet in my house now, for the time being anyway.

Salamander was very anxious and agitated around some situations that took place at school last week, and he's quite worried that this week will be more of the same (not if this Momma Bear can help it.. I can't get into the details just yet, so stay tuned..). Add to that some excitement/anxiety around the first After School Math/Science session tomorrow, and MCAS testing looming on the horizon (with the associated crazy push at schools to get the kids test ready..tough situation for an NT kid to be in, and then add a few spectrum twists and LD turns to it.. well, you get where I'm going with this). We spend some time talking about and re-enforcing coping strategies, and I think that DID help Salamander feel a little less anxious and out of control (he always does better with difficult situations if he has a plan A and a plan B).
Needless to say that it took Salamander a while to settle down, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's 'up' a few times tonight....

I fully expect Potatey to be up a few times too... Poor baby continues to push out metals at pretty intense levels. He hasn't been sleeping so good as of late, and he's tired... I really hope that he can get a full, uninterrupted night of sleep.. More for his sake than mine.

Potatey actually has his Kindergarten screening tomorrow at the school he'll start attending come fall of this year. I have no concerns about him developmentally what-so-ever, so I don't think the screening itself will be too big of a deal. Potatey is understandably a bit anxious, and, while excited about the prospect of going to 'the big boy school', not completely ready yet to leave his current school behind (where he's been since he was 4 MONTHS old). We have plenty of time to work through that transition though, and I am pretty sure it'll be 'smooth sailing' especially once he realizes that he'll be spending more time DURING the week with some of his little buddies from our street (as opposed to just seeing them here and there on the weekend).

I really should be using this time to get ready for my crazy week ahead. Especially tomorrow has an already absolutely looney schedule, Which includes the aforementioned Kindergarten screening here in town, then I have to get Potatey to his current school in the next town over, then I have to meet with my financial advisor/insurance broker four towns away to initiate loans against some of my current policies to address my very high interest rate debt, then back here to hopefully get a couple of hours of PAYING work in and to do my February billing, and then it'll be time to get Salamander from his math program, then off to the next town over to get Potatey from school.. and poof, the day will be gone...

But I've had a couple of thoughts rattling around in my skull all day, and I know that I won't find any peace of mind until I let these thoughts 'out', so hence me pecking away at my key board....

Last night I had the pleasure of spending time with new found friends here in town (they have two lovely little girls that match my two wild guys in age, and the kiddos have all been getting along wonderfully); funny really, they live not even 10 minutes from my house and have lived in their current location for at least 3 years. But it took a dear friend of mine (you know who you are) who lives 30 minutes or so away, to get us in touch with other after meeting them at an event on the other side of the state!!!

Anyhow, I'm helping them out with a few things around especially their youngest daughter (who has PDD-NOS), so we needed to get together (preferably sans kids) to go over a few things. I met them at their house (I had supervision here at home for my two), and we had a wonderful time (and yes, my horoscope ended up being accurate after all.. albeit a few days late.. LOL.. I definitely felt the 'overindulgence' today.. oh my...).

Inevitably when talking with fellow special needs parents, the topic of marriage, relationships and all that comes up. They were somewhat aware of my current situation, and I elaborated a bit last night. And my new friends expressed how truly sorry they were for ME. Not that they were SORRY for me, no, they were sorry for ME. And it took me a little to pick up on the distinction, and even longer to be able to articulate how I felt about the whole situation.

Am I sad for what once was and has been lost? Yes.

Am I rip roaring mad, pissed off, etc at times, especially when it is crystal clear that the bulk, if not all, of the work involving in raising and taking care of these two wonderful boys rests squarely on my shoulders? HELL, yes.

Do I worry about how the situation is affecting the boys? Absolutely.

Am I sorry for myself? Do I worry about being 'left all on my own' once the boys are old enough to spread their wings and lead their own lives? HELL no.

Because, as crazy as this may sound, this whole roller coaster ride from hell has taught me that -I- don't need to be part of a larger entity (the entity 'couple' in its most restricted sense; you can't tell where one person begins and the other one ends, i.e., no individuality) to define myself, to be able to play the game of life, to be able to do what needs doing for the boys, to be able to 'move on' after the boys are all grown up and don't need their momma quite as much.

I will be OK. I truly believe that, in every fiber of my being. I DO however need to work on my resentment/anger/trust issues, as those emotions are counter productive and drain me from precious energy that I simply cannot afford to waste.

It's not easy, it's not easy. I have been left so many times over the years to deal with really difficult situations on my own, not just once or twice, but time and time again. Sure, now that Salamander is starting to do so well, being with Salamander, doing things with him, taking care of him is becoming a bit easier. And now the other party wants 'back in' and is happy to, at a minimum, take co-credit for how well Salamander is doing.

And truth be told, IT PISSES ME OFF!! Sure, now that things are moving along in the right direction, now that things are a little easier, it's kinda neat to be able to say 'Look at my son. Look at what he's accomplished.Look at how well he's doing.'
But where the HELL was the other party during the really tough years??? And where will this other party be/go when the going gets rough again (as it inevitably will)???

Let it be understood that the other party is at heart a decent, caring person. With SERIOUS issues however when it comes to being able to cope with challenging highly emotionally charged situations (and no, denial and avoidance are NOT acceptable coping mechanisms). And to give credit where credit is due, the other party is finally starting to realize this and is working on things. I just hope he can stick with it, so he can truly be a daddy for the boys; sooner rather than later (and I have my doubts, I really do; the other party has a LOT of growing up to do...).

I get a sense though that the other party's prime motivation for working on things is not so much the desire to have a solid relationship with the boys, but an attempt to convince ME to be 'a couple' again (and once again, that would fit within the pattern..)

And that is just not going to happen. Too much has happened, my trust has been violated too many times, I've been hurt too many times. Also, I am not the person I was 15 years ago. I've changed a lot (whether for better or for worse.. that's a debate for another time); my approach to life, my priorities, my definition of 'what matters' is radically different from what it was 15 years ago. And the other party either cannot, or refuses, to see and accept that....

Which in the end is truly not MY problem, but the other party's problem. For years I've tried to mold myself to the other party's perceptions of who I was or who I should be. I can no longer do that, I no longer WANT to do that. I am actually quite happy with who I've become.

(but that doesn't mean I don't get Goddang tired every once and a while of going it alone, and that a strong shoulder to cry on, a strong arm to pull me out of the Pitt wouldn't be nice. But heck, that's what friends are for, right? And I have those aplenty....)


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