Self Preservation?
Just received a call from somebody who I haven't really talked WITH for years...
Person issued an invitation to attend his oldest daughter's high school graduation party, which is starting in about an hour (yup, kinda last minute eh?)....
Person said: "Oh, and you can bring the kids.."
I stayed vague and non-commital. Said: "Let me see how things are with the boys. If we can, we'll stop by. And congratulations ..."
Had I been honest, I would have said: "It's been kinda crazy out here this week and the boys aren't having too great of a day. So thanks for thinking of us, and congratulations, but we are going to stay home."
Why didn't I?
Because I didn't want to have to explain yet ONE MORE TIME why it is hard to take Salamander, in the state he's in today, to a place that's unfamiliar, where there is nobody he knows, where it is going to be crowded, where it is going to be loud, where it is going to be smelly and where there will be nothing he can eat or drink (unless I schlepp half my house with me).
Because I didn't want to have to explain yet ONE MORE TIME why I won't be able to talk with the new grad, do social chit chat with all party-goers, keep Salamander comfortable and keep Potatey out of trouble all at the same time.
And, maybe, because today I am being 'chicken' and, for my own self preservation, need to hide behind vagueries and while lies, as I just do not have it in me to be my usual honest, 'out there', self...
Do I want to go?
Truth be told. Not really.
Today, I am just not up for putting a big smile on my face, and pretending that "everything is going just great" and that "everybody is doing wonderful".
And today, I just cannot find it in my heart to be happy for this person that his brilliant, well spoken, well adjusted, multiple honors student is graduating from high school and about to embark on the adventure of her life....(when I can't even phantom yet how I am going to get Salamander through the transition from elementary school to middle school in one piece)
Today, I just do not have 'it' in me..
And, as I said, I haven't really talked WITH this person in years. Last time we tried to engage in conversation, I was 'shut down' with a "Oh, but Salamander is so smart. And all boys do that."
posted by Petra @ 3:31 PM
2 Comments
2 Comments:
Petra,
This post made my heart hurt. I've been through some similar stuff over the past week.
I completely understand and relate to not finding it in your heart to be happy for the grad.
In the past week I've watched as a close family member wouldn't touch Charlie. Another didn't say more than 5 words to him the entire time we were in town. Another could do nothing but stare rudely. Another couldn't contain the disdain.
I have absolutely no interest in traveling again any time soon. I also have no interest in exposing my son to anyone outside of our close inner circle for some time - we're all drained by the emotional attacks we've dodged (and in some cases absorbed) for the past week.
((clicking my ruby red slippers))
3:08am, on the road and looking forward to getting back to our safe little world in Tennessee.
Ah shit, Jeanne, what you wrote just made me MAD! And I am so sorry that Charlie (what, do they think he didn't notice?) and you had to go through this.
Now how the heck are we going to get society-at-large to accept, embrace and love our kids if we can't even get close family members to do just that (as fact is, not ALL our kids are going to recover all the way - not trying to be downer or a pessimist, just a realist - and will need help and support).
Can't blame you one bit for not wanting to travel for a while and needing to draw back into your 'coccoon'. I've been there, I know exactly how you feel (heck, I even feel that way after I have family come to MY house).Fo r what it's worth, you and your family would be welcome here anytime (of course MA is way out your way)!!!
I have been toying with the following idea for a while, just haven't put any serous MOM power behind it.. Last summer, as Salamander was detoxing hard and really not 'up' for leaving the safety of our hours (more specifically the bathtub or the pool), and the boys and I were virtual prisoners of our house, I couldn't help but wonder. "What if I had rented this big old house close to a beach area somewhere (10+ bedrooms), with a big kitchen. Find 4 other families with kids on the spectrum to split the rental bill and just move into the place for a month. None of us would 'look funny' at the other kids, the moms would not have to explain a darn thing to the other grown-ups and kids, we'd all pitch in for the cooking and in taking care of the kids (one mom wants to go read a book or go for a walk for a few hours, no problem, we'll take care of the kids while she's off recharging her batteries). And if one of the kids is having a bad day or several bad days.. well, it would be just that.
I've floated the idea by a couple of moms last summer and they all really liked the idea. Time to put a plan together, me thinks.
My reply is getting long.. I may turn this into an actual post.
Safe travels
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