The @$!$@ Roller Coaster..

As posted, Friday was tough.. Saturday was better, but I definitely still was strapped to the emotional roller coaster. On the first day of these types of conferences there tends to be a LOT of anger in the air.. especially as the 'newly diagnosed' parents get their first whiff of what is truly behind the increase in, not just autism but other diseases such as allergies, asthma, chronic fatigue, cancer etc too.


It's a rude awaking for most people (and I've been there) to realize that all those concerns they've had for so long about their kids and what has happened to their kids are REAL, and that no, THEY are not the ones that are crazy - their doctors, relatives, well meaning neighbors ARE. To realize how truly ignorant and uneducated about neurodevelopmental issues most mainstream medical professionals are. To realize that that arrogant patronizing competence projected, that "I'm the expert and you, silly parent, just need to trust me", is all just 'Piss and Wind".


Over the years, I've gotten much more sensitive to unspoken undertones and emotional under currents (comes with the territory of becoming an autism mom, I guess..). And while in the past, I was in the anger pool right there with the newbie parents, I am now in the 'I've been at this a while and I am tired, but I will keep going no matter what' pool. And while at home I am pretty good at doing just that without slowing down, inevitably, at these conferences, a lot of unprocessed emotional stuff bursts free and knocks me on my butt.

Yes, I know I need to process and work through all the emotional stuff from the last 8 or so years (as in addition to Salamandcr's challenges, many other, very taxing things have happened). I need to find the time for a good cry... I need to release all the penned up sadness, anger, frustration, fear - all the negative emotions that can poison a person's soul if you carry them around for too long....

But how and when? Maybe I should have 'let myself go' and fallen apart while at the conference. At least I would have been in a very supportive and understanding environment. But I just couldn't 'let go'. I think I am truly afraid of the magnitude and intensity of my inner emotions (another issue I need to explore more).

And now I am back home. Time to tighten the choke hold on my emotions and feelings again. Time to firmly plant my feet in the here and now, and to keep moving forward.

I learned a lot these past few days, I had a wonderful long conversation with my roommate this morning (who has been living the RDI life with her son for 2.5 years now) - it's where I need to go next - to help Salamander acquire those life skills that he is going to need to grow and develop into a happy, well adjusted adult....



More on Saturday's and Sunday's conference presentations in another post. I HAVE to write more about Dr. Wakefield's presentation - it was (is?) quite the bombshell...