Taking a Break

from the blog for a bit...

Too much going on. Too much to do. And I can't get anything done/started/resolved/figured out, as I am finding myself in a place where I am utterly paralyzed by fear. Fear of making decisions that are wrong, fear of making no decisions at all, fear of rushing into decisions. FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.

And that's so NOT me. So I need to figure out where this fear (battle fatigue?) is coming from, and - more importantly - how to break through it, as the way I am now I am no good to the boys. No good at all.

The boys are not doing so great, and right now I am utterly overwhelmed by their physical and emotional needs. I don't know what issue to tackle first, what need to address first, or what to focus on.

There are some difficult dynamics right now with the boys' *on/off* dad, who is in an *on* phase again, and hell-bent on showing the outside world how *good* and *involved* he is. Of course the boys are super excited while at the same time being super anxious, as they know just as well as -I- do that it won't last (we've been down this path many times before). So while they are working their behinds off in *being really good for daddy and not doing anything to upset him*, they let their anxieties and fears loose on me (as they know they can, as I won't *bail* on them) and I am on the receiving end of a lot of *frustration behaviors*. Of course trying to explain THAT is an effort in futility ... I could write a lot more about this, but I'm gonna leave it at that, as I don't want to turn this into more of a *whiner, woe is me* blog than it has already become.

So I need to draw into myself, get my priorities crystal clear, then give myself a good kick in the rear and pick two or three things to focus on. And then get those DONE. Pick another two, and get THOSE done. And so on and so forth.

Until I get back to a place where I feel somewhat in control, and no longer so overwhelmed and yes, so d#mn scared. I have completely misplaced my ability to *turn lemons into lemon juice* and I MUST find that back.

I will return...