Originally posted on September 18, 2009

Haven't blogged in FAR TOO long. Sorry. Just too much going on, too much 'trying to survive', too much dealing with the latest thing blowing up in my face.

That being said, the boys are doing well. They are settling back into the school routine. Sure, we have our hiccups here and there. But hey, who doesn't. It's all been very manageable.

In my personal life? Chaos. A, for me, increasingly impossible status quo. Allowing fear to creep in and keep me from doing what needs doing...

I told the boys dad this past Tuesday that he needs to move out of the house. I cannot, no I WILL NOT, allow the current insanity to continue. It's not good for the boys. And honestly? It is not good for me. And I think I am entitled to being just a tad selfish.

The dads' dad gave an absolutely non committal response. A passive-aggressive 'OK, I'll start looking' but not taking any action, a 'whatever, I'll say yes to humor her but I'll keep doing whatever it is that I want to do' response.

So this will be sent out to communicate that the bullshit stops here. And that it stops now.

Added on September 24, 2009:
The communication linked to above, so far, has not been sent out.

Not because I *chickened out*. Several events took place that made me realize that, while it will be immensely satisfying, to *bite back* and to make it very clear that crapping all over another person is not OK, *going in guns blazing* would not have been, will not ever be, in the best interest of the boys. Then events took place on Saturday, and then Monday evening and again today, that reaffirmed that I must do what I can to continue to take the high road (and let the other person bury himself deeper and deeper in crappola). Now that doesn't mean that I don't *nip* every once and a while - I am human and no, last time I checked, *doormat* is not written on my back.

To clarify? I don't care that XTB is fully engaged in another relationship. This marriage [and the more I think about it and the more I get to see from dear friends what a REAL marriage looks like - I don't think you can even call what's been going on here for at least the past 10 years a marriage] has been dead for a long time. So be it. What happened, happened. And while I, of course, have my part in why things didn't work out, I have no regrets that, about 5 years ago, when it was CRYSTAL clear that the boys' dad was just not ever going to step up to the plate, I put all my energy and focus into getting the boys well. The only regret I do have? That I didn't have the *balls* to end this whole farce earlier (as really, looking back? I *knew* by the time that Salamander was 10 months old, that I would always be on my own in doing whatever needed doing to figure out what was going on with Salamander). I should have ended things when Potatey was about 4 months old and it became more and more evident, that Potatey too, had stuff going on.

Ah well, what's done cannot be undone. Moving forward. No more *running in place*

One thing that I do need to accomplish? Getting across, in a constructive way, without sinking down to the XTB's level of crap slinging, that the lying, sneaking around, making up elaborate ruses, telling bald faced lies to the boys about where he is going to be, what he is going to do, and why, therefore, he cannot spend time with them, blowing through heaps of money where there is none to spend, IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.