Been A Bad Momma...

Well, BLOG momma that is...

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last entry. It's not that I don't have anything to write about.. Boy, do I have stuff to write about. Juicy, wacked-out, 'this only happens in the movies' kinda stuff. I have frequently said before that I seem to be stuck in living a soap opera.. well, be careful what you wish for, as right now I so am.

But all musings about the crazy stuff that is happening, the stuff I am discovering, the decisions I have to make will have to hold. My instincts tell me that right now is just not the time to 'air the skid marked underwear'.. Not until this whole deal is done and the final legal piece of paperwork has been signed and filed (but after that, all bets are off... LOL).

I am holding my own.. some days better than others. TG for my absolutely amazing circle of friends. Ladies, I would have gone stark raving kooky during the past 3 weeks if not for your constant reassurance that my instincts are sound and that I need to follow them.

The boys do not officially know yet.. but neither is stupid. I think Salamander has it all figured out already, and I am pretty sure Potatey is pretty close to putting the pieces together. And all I can do.. when the time comes to break the news.. is to be there for them, to take the brunt of their emotions, and to get them counseling when they need it (and they most likely will, so I've already started asking around). Physically they are both doing OK (have had to put my 'next step in their protocols' plan for this summer on hold), they both are enjoying their summer camps and all the fun experiences that go with that. I am going to do my very darnest to give them the best possible summer experience I can.
And beyond that, all I can do is stick with my 'whatever happens happens' attitude and deal with situations as they arise.

Now, as I do need to let a little of my inner bitch out, I am going to leave you with a few tidbits. Most of my readers have wonderfully creative (twisted?) minds, so you can all fill in the blanks:

1. Strong narcissistic traits, artful manipulator. And I am learning that you cannot beat a narcissist/practiced manipulator at his own game. Being on the offense does not work, playing defense does not work. What works, to a point, is to stay neutral, detached, business like.
2. Question everything. There is a hidden agenda to every comment made, everything proposed.
3. I discovered that I have been lied to, manipulated, deceived since Salamander was born (he'll be 11.5 years old at the end of September). Probably even longer than that.
4. Apparently it is completely acceptable (well, NOT to me it is), with unbecoming and unsavory haste to detach oneself from one's current life (even try to go as far as trying to erasing/doing a mind wipe??) and immediately (concurrently??) swap it out for a new life (hey, I get moving on, I do. And I get wanting to erase ME from memory. But the boys too??)

Ah well, I now truly have no illusions left. And if nothing else, I am finding previously untapped wells of strength in myself, as well as skills I never knew I had. And despite swimming through loads of male cow dung every single day, my self confidence and trust in my instincts is growing every day. It's a platitude, but truly 'what doesn't kill you DOES make you stronger.'

Ta ta for now...

I have chosen to turn comments for this post off, as well as to not display any comments already received (yes, of course, I can already hear how THAT action is being spun). Thing is, this is MY blog. Nobody has to read what I write, all are free to come and go and never come back again. I am working through this whole mess the best I can..