Mucking Through...

Rough day.. and it ain't over yet.. Salamander is being a real trooper.. He's obviously feeling totally crappy, but is working his a$$ of in keeping his temper in check (and hey, who would blame him for lashing out? I wouldn't..). He realizes it's nobody's fault (at least none of those of us in residence here). He realizes that we're all working hard to help him, to keep him comfortable, to get him through this.

Truth be told, I am not handling it all nearly as well as Salamander. There is a LOT I can deal with, my capacity for dealing with B.. S.. is enormously large.

But I just hate, hate, f#cking HATE these GD *metabolic meltdowns*. He's in pain, he's miserable, and while I can do a lot by now to help him get through these episodes, I still, after all those years, cannot prevent them. And it's tearing me apart....

I am so, so, so MAD!!!! And there is no *smoking gun* in what caused all of this (beyond vulnerable genetics and a boat load of all kinds of environmental insults), there was no point at which all of this *suddenly* developed. It was a long, slow slide into the abyss over many, many years. So I have nobody or nothing to direct all that anger at.

Except for maybe all those A$$H#LE doctors that I took Salamander to during the first 6+ years of his life, and who dismissed him, dismissed ME as being hysterical, overanxious, manipulative, psychotic. They stood by and did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to help him.