Monday, July 07, 2008

On Being Sad...

Blech, I had another one of my 'devastatingly sad' dreams earlier this morning (those of you that know me well know what kind of dream I am talking about here). I woke up at 5.35 am (YES, I SLEPT IN), just as the dream was ending, feeling totally 'deep down to the core of my soul sad' and I have not been able to shake that feeling yet (TG kids are in school and camp today, so they won't have to deal with moopy momma). None of my usual strategies to kick myself out of my *pity pitt* are working. Maybe a sign that I just need to 'be' with the feelings for the moment and not try and 'fix things'....

It's been an up and down kinda 3 days.
The fireworks on the 3rd were really nice (despite the little *dilemma* leading up to it);

the 4th was a crazy whirlwind kinda day (boys did really good though and have a great time overall - and in the end THAT's what really matters);

the 5th was a GOOD day (except for a very scary experience involving Potatey and wandering the streets on his own at 8 am in the morning!! Trust me, Potatey is now CRYSTAL CLEAR that, under NO circumstances doing this is EVER A GOOD THING. I completely *get* why he did what he did, but he broke a key SAFETY RULE (and there are NO compromises on safety rules);

the 6th (yesterday) was a bit of a mixed bag. Potatey wasn't feeling so good (his tummy has been bothering him and he's been quite anxious), and Salamander had his moments too (pica is flaring again..). Of course there was the awesome 'I am taking ownership for my blow-up' development - I'll blog more about that when I'm in a better frame of mind)

It's just that, well, while the boys overall did good, there were just way too many of the 'broken promises, unfullfilled expectations, I need to explain the same sh#t over and over again to the boys' dad, and no matter what I say or how I say it I'm the big bad biotch' moments ....

Oh yes, if I had been so inclined this weekend, it would have been really easy to write Part III and Part IV of what I started here.
You know how people say "if you want to get a good sense of how your SO is going to treat YOU a few years down the line, watch how they treat their mother and female relatives?" Well, THAT, my dears, should have been a big fat warning sign and should have sent me running in the other direction...
However, truth be told, I have been FAR from a good daughter, sibling myself. And when my warning bells SHOULD have gone off, I was far too busy being a total selfish, self absorbed biotch who only cared about money, career and *sticking it to the world* (TG I woke up..)

Me thinks I need to do what some of the other moms do: schedule a mental breakdown and have a hysterical crying jag. Today, however, is not a *safe* day to do so. (Note to self: write in on July 9th, from 10 am till 10.05 am "Mental Breakdown".. LOL)..

Off to take a looooong shower, maybe a drive to the Starbucks for a nice cup of coffee and then bury myself in work (as I've got plenty of THAT to go around this week; another deadline on Friday).


At 6:43 PM, July 07, 2008 , Anonymous Jeanne said...

I'm sorry you are feeling blue. And isn't it a shame that a certain someone has the ability to rob your precious moments of life? If only we could all learn to never let anyone do that to us with their actions (or lack there of).

I read an interview with Elizabeth Smart (the girl from Utah who was abducted and abused for 9 months), she was talking about how she had moved on and was now enjoying her life. She mentioned that she had really done so not long after her return to her family.

The interviewer wanted to know how she could do that after everything she had been through. Her response was simple. She said that although her abductors had taken 9 months of her life from her, she wasn't going to allow them to take another day.

Amazing. Strong. Inspirational.

At 7:44 PM, July 07, 2008 , Blogger Petra said...

Thanks for hitting me upside the head with a sledgehammer..
"she wasn't going to allow [them] to take another day"

That is exactly the stance I am going to take starting NOW.. I am not going to allow for another precious moment to be taken away from me or the boys.

I think you said this to me as well, in response to another 'blah' post; while I cannot control or change another person's actions, I CAN control how those actions are going to make me feel.


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