Sunday, December 28, 2008

It Feels Good To Operate at (only) DEFCON 3....

Calm, even keeled, comfortable, low stress....

The boyos had a pretty good day yesterday and so far, a really good day, today. They have been playing together, with their legos, since 10.30 am or so. Great imaginative play.. lots of pirate, GI Joe, Indiana Jones, Star Wars missions being thought out and executed upon. I've been quietly listening in (while mucking around in my kitchen, which is within ear shot and sprinting distance from where they are.. a momma's gotta be prepared.. LOL) to the conversations flowing back and forth, only having to give some very gentle coaching and guidance when conflicts come up (as the guys are doing a bang up job sorting out their differences of opinion).

I never ever thought 2 years ago that this situation, this 'calm and comfortable feeling' would ever be possible, let alone become a reality.

And words fail to describe how that all makes me feel - happy, happy, happy, happy, happy.....

Now I will never be able to get complacent and too comfortable, the boyos and I have gone through too much together and we're not 'there' yet. I will always be vigilant, I will always be and stay on top of 'things'..

It -is- nice though to just 'go with the flow' for a bit.. to know, in my heart and soul, that things will be OK, to chuck that 'walking on egg shells feeling' for a bit...

Will we make trips back into HELL? Guaranteed. Will that make me mad, sad, angry, discouraged, will it even make me, temporarily, loose hope? Absolutely.

But we will prevail.. and we'll crawl back out of whatever HELL life may push us back into.

We are strong, we are smart, we love each other above everything and anything, and we WILL overcome...

To both my old and new readers - this has been a hard won peace (or respite). It's been a very difficult 8+ years (blessed with a 'high functioning' diagnosis? My ass...), and especially the years from when Salamander was 3 until he was about 8.5 were pure HELL. And the past 2 years too, have been anything BUT easy (but looking back there was absolutely a turn of events in August of 2006). It's been 'ovaries to the wall' for a long time, there have been no quick fixes, there will never be quick fixes. Achieving healing (and it continues to be work in progress) for Salamander, and for Potatey too, is a long laborious process. Salamander is definitely a 'tortoise' in this marathon. But as we say here, at least once a day: "Slow and steady wins the race."


At 1:32 PM, December 28, 2008 , Blogger K Fuller said...

It is so good to read how up you are! Enjoy the rewards of all of your intervention for your boys. Whenever we experience a regression with our boy it is hard not to fly all the way back to when things were so very difficult!
We are getting ready to spend a few days with our extended families. In their world, no one understands why we do what we do for our son and why it consumes us. Like you are doing, we will try to sit back and have a nice visit, but our ears will be constantly tuned and listening for any meltdowns. Our parents and siblings just have to get over it and know that we are going to do what we have to do in Nick's best interest. And that includes leaving gatherings early or canceling plans at the last minute.

We can pick our friends and we can pick our noses, but we can't pick our family!

At 3:30 PM, December 28, 2008 , Blogger Petra said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! And Happy NEW Year to you too.

And the pox on family members who just don't get it.. as you said, they'll need to get over themselves. Remember that all those negative comments and emotions they communicate to you or inflict on you are really all about THEM - they are projecting their own b..s.. on YOU. So be a mirror and project it all right back at them!!

I don't know why I am so much more 'up' now than I was earlier this week.. Hormones is one piece of it; fatigue, crazy run around getting ready for Xmas were other parts that dragged me down. And then of course there was (is?) the b.. s.. that the boys' dad wants for me to believe about the boys, about how they are doing and about ME as a person. And back to what I just said.. I realize that what he is doing is projecting his own B.. S.. on me, hoping that I'll take ownership of it all (once again) so that he is 'off the hook'..
Well, this girl is not going to take ownership of his b.. s.. anymore.

Fact - the boys are doing as well as they are because -I- have worked my ass of for a long, long, long time now. Sure, there is a good dollop of luck involved, there always is, but that only got things started, it certainly did NOT get Salamander and Potatey where they are now - I AM taking credit for that.

And I also no longer feel bad or guilty about opening my mouth and asking 'so exactly who is this WE you are referring to' the next time the boys' dad goes on the 'well, WE are working very hard on getting the boys well" trip when somebody comments on how the boys are doing. Sure, there absolutely is a WE involved in all of this - as in boys + me, that is.. as daddy dearest has little to nothing to do (beyond consciously and subconsciously screwing things up) with the daily struggles and accomplishments.

Off to prepare supplement boxes for next week..


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