Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"Matter" Over Mind....

This day has been a tough one (for me, the boys have been doing great).

This has been a day of wondering if I do enough, if what I do matters, if I do what I do right or wrong.

This has been a day of wearing too many hats, juggling too many balls, having too many responsibilities, worrying too much about things that I cannot control, worrying too much about 'will [..] ever change?', thinking too much about 'will I ever find [..] or do [..]?'

This has been a day of operating too close to tears, too close to keeling over in exhaustion.

I don't know where to go for the answers, I don't know what to do or change to not feel this way. I don't know what to DO, period.

But maybe, just maybe, I need to stop searching, DO-ing, worrying, wondering.
And let just being with what matters silence that ever churning mind....

[of course getting a break from it all for a couple of days would go a long way too]

[I still can't help but think that I am failing my two beautiful boys somehow..]


At 9:59 PM, January 28, 2009 , Blogger Cath said...

You are enough.
You do enough.
and be...

At 10:01 PM, January 28, 2009 , Blogger K Fuller said...

I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. I was just telling a friend that my life is like the movie Groundhog day, I don't know if you are familiar with it, Bill Murray wakes up to the same day over and over. This is how I feel most days. Nick does best on a schedule sooooo this means that the rest of us are very scheduled as well. During the winter I find myself becoming overwhelmed, and unable to stick to one task etc.
This past summer I started taking Vitamin D3, I have not had my usual winter blues as much this year. I really do feel better.
When it comes to our kids we probably can never do enough. But look back a few years. Aren't your boys so much better?
At the end of the day, when you have done your best, it is enough.

At 9:27 AM, January 29, 2009 , Blogger Petra said...

Cath - thanks (thanks for the FB message too)

K - we are all taking Vit D3 here (Salamander twice as much as the rest of us.. LOL), we are all susceptible to the winter blahs & other neurotransmitter imbalances. And yes, it helps (so do Vit K, rosemary, sage for us). We do best with schedules here as well - comes with the territory.

And I know that for Potatey what I have done and am doing IS enough - he'll be fine. His health has improved so so much, and cognitively that one is SOARING. He'll be able to do exactly what he wants to do with his life.

With Salamander, I just don't know. He has come far, very very very far. But is what I've done and am doing enough? Enough to get those last three BIG health issues (B12, gut, mitochondria) in some sort of remission, enough to help him overcome the residual ADHD and LDs? I keep feeling that there is more I should be doing. Very simplistically, I want for Salamander what for Potatey is now a given, and I don't know how to achieve that, if what I am doing WILL achieve that...

At 1:40 PM, January 29, 2009 , Anonymous Jeanne said...

You know what? It sucks. Our lives are not easy. Some have it worse than others. Still, we keep chugging along. Why? For our kids.

Sometimes we're chugging up that hill and we're thinking we can't do it anymore. We keep thinking we're not sure we can make it, or that what we've done has made any difference. I think this is because we forget to look behind us to see how far up the hill we are.

You do an incredible job with your boys. They are obviously loved (to bits) and cared for (better than most). We have all been party to the awesome abilities you have.

I think you just don't get enough praise P. You don't have someone giving you a hug at the end of the day and saying, "Hey, great job today!" Dammit. It makes me irate.

My mother and I had a conversation the other day. We were talking about all the moms out there who do "it" alone. But then I said, "You know whats really though? When the man is right in front of you, but he's never there for you."

I'm sorry you're having a tough go of it. I hope you can draw some strength from all of your blogger friends and know that we love and respect you; that we're pulling for you and the boys;, and that we think you're doing a fucking fantastic job... and don't you EVER forget it! (pardon my French!)

At 2:03 PM, January 29, 2009 , Blogger Petra said...

Cr#p, now I'm crying.. and laughing at the same time [and I had just put my face on too.. well, will have to do THAT again..]

Thanks for what you wrote, Jeanne. Thanks for getting it. And you are 'spot on'; no 'Good Job's at the end of the day here (well, that's not entirely true - the boyos tell me plenty) - just 'eye rolls, a suffocating blanket of disapproval/disappointment, endless to-do lists, pointed reminders on what didn't get done & credit card bills'..

And I will keep on keeping on. What other choice is there? How can I look my two monkeys in their eyes and not keep giving all I've got?

Time to get out there and charge the world again [after I fix my face, that is..LOL]

At 4:44 PM, January 29, 2009 , Blogger K Fuller said...

The pictures of your boys! Wow! They just have the best eyes and thier faces look like sunshine!
That is how you know that you are doing the right thing.
As long as you keep researching and reading and doing your best, it is enough. And tomorrow and the next day and the next you do it again.
Good for you, Good for all of us!!!

At 10:48 PM, January 29, 2009 , Anonymous navywifeandmom said...

I hope you give yourself a break, Petra. The flu is so disheartening to nurse children through. Any time we go through an illness like that it seems like there is no way out.

I hope you get a chance to put your feet up and take a bubble bath or something.


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