And We Are On Our Way.....

Will be telling my friend C.R. in person later today how HAPPY and THANKFUL I am that she's in my life. She took 4 phone calls from me yesterday as I was working thru yesterday's 'now I have no choice but to tell my boys what is going to happen' situation.
Without EVER making me feel that I was bugging her. She listened to me, gave really great advise and didn't hesitate to kick my ass when I started to back down..
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Repeat after me "Fool me many more times than twice, shame on me".. I almost almost almost got suckered in again.... almost.

If not for these two precious boys who deserve a relationship with their father, I'd be cutting ties completely. Right now. This very minute.
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Despite (or maybe in spite?) of yesterday's *events*, boys have been having a really good day. Boys and I pretty much followed our usual Sunday routine, and I think that seeing/experiencing that nothing is really going to change is helping the boys. They are actually much calmer, more at ease and easier with each other than they have been in a while...
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I may have spoken a bit too soon...
Salamander started having a rough time at around 6.30 pm.. he's sad, he's confused, he told me he's worried about there being enough money, he told me he's worried about me and his dad ending up fighting over him and Potatey and splitting him and Potatey up (I am so impressed with his ability to articulate what his worries are..). I reassured him as best as I could.

What is hard for Salamander is that, so far, I have always always always been able to either give him concrete answers to his questions, or I've been able to work with him on getting to concrete answers. In this particular situation, I simply don't have all the concrete answers, and I've had to say to him several times now "Babes, I just don't know yet how this is going to be, going to work, what it's going to look like. What I can tell you tho is that as soon as I ~do~ know, I will tell you."

It's the ambivalence, the not knowing, the not having an exact picture in his head that is so so so so hard for him (it is hard for any kid, but due to his particular complex of challenges, it IS harder).

Potatey had a rough time at bed time. Sadness and anger. Potatey was clear tho that he wasn't angry at me or at his dad. That he was angry about the situation and that if he had a choice between this situation happening and not happening, he would choose NOT happening (I am very impressed too with Potatey's ability to express himself..). I told him I understood, but that that is not a choice there is. That the situation IS happening and that we are going to have to work thru it, one day, one moment at a time. Interestingly, once Potatey had had a chance to say *his piece* and squeeze *the snot* out of his stress ball (he has a squishy ball next to his bed that he squeezes really really hard when he's angry about something that has happened during the day), he snuggled right into his blankets as he always does and drifted off to sleep....

It's a process obviously, and I fully anticipate that the "dinner until bedtime" period will be rough for the boys for a while. I just have to make sure that I stay open and present to their feelings about the whole situation, that I give them a chance to say what they need to say (without inserting my own feelings into what they are saying, or taking what they are saying personally..).

We will get thru this, that I ~do~ know.

The Day The Boys Were Told....

Had to force a family meeting about an hour ago to tell the boys officially what is going on. They are taking it HARD, especially Salamander. But after XTB decided to make the boys active participants/co-conspirators in his *grand scheme of double life fibbery", I had to decide that *enough is enough*. XTB's move out is starting next week.

Things happen when they are supposed to happen.. there is obviously no good time for any of this, and I was very MAD earlier today for having the *how and when* pulled away from me.. but I am OK with it now.. it's done, so now we can move from here.

Potatey is AMAZING. Yes, he's upset, and he will be upset for a while to come and he'll have his angry, why, *I want this to be fixed* moments, but he's already processing, asking all the appropriate questions, thinking HARD already on how to make the best of the situation as is....
Salamander however is taking it very very hard. He's blaming himself, he even asked me today 'Mom, is this because of me?". How do I answer that? As yes, he, or more precisely, how each of his parents have dealt and deal with what is going on with him is a big part of it..

I assured Salamander as best as I could, that no this is NOT because of him, that this is because of me and because of his dad and that while we cannot fix the issues in the husband/wife relationship, we will now work HARD on making sure the parent relationship becomes what it needs to be, for Salamander and for Potatey (and I said a lot more to him than what I can capture here right now).. Salamander is not convinced.. he's a smart kiddo (and this is where counseling will be so incredibly important for him).

The boys and I have a long and bumpy road ahead of us. But I for one, am glad that we are finally getting going..
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Potatey is so so so so sad tonite (I knew the reality of it all would hit him at some point). My heart is breaking for him.... but I can't fix this or make this better... we'll just have to get thru it to the other side..
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Boys have been sleeping OK so far. I DID have the "these will be the boundaries that will not be crossed, which are KEY as you're basically living in my backyard' talk with XTB. He seemed to accept my ground rules, but I've learned the hard way that acceptance/agreement in verbal conversation and actually respecting/complying in deed are two entirely different things.

I'll have to continue to stand my ground and not ever get 'lulled asleep' (aka get manipulated by the 'I'm a good guy who wants the best for you all' act) again. As they say "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice (and needless to say we are waaaaay beyond twice here), shame on me."

The Day After....

Collection of thoughts from the day:

Post excess glutamate, protein, sulphur, oxalate hangover here. Salamander is a mess, Potatey is doing OK (just very zippy and slurred/hyper drive speed), I'm OK too (as I didn't eat that much). Anybody who has a hard time *believing* that autism could be a manifestation of a brain/body chemistry/metabolic disorder, feel fee to stop by today and observe for yourself..

Salamander has brain fog, word retrieval issues, very sad/weepy, sulphur stink oozing out of his skin, moves in slow motion, can't think his way out of cardboard box, no endurance, low muscle tone, grey pasty skin, purple eye circles, bloated belly, stomach ache, absolutely SOAKED the bed last nite (3 times).
Sure, this sh#t is just all *behavioral and hardcoded in to the brain*.

Now he overindulged, but not to the extreme (as all foods I made are within the *food* restrictions, just not necessarily within the *food component* restrictions). His metabolism is just so GD fragile (I mean, how sad is it that this kid can't even enjoy a holiday meal without paying for it the next day... ).

Yeah, I'm mad. I knew that this was going to happen, was fully prepared for it (or so I thought), I'm just mad that it has to be this way for him.. It is NOT fair.


I am not *blind* to the fact that there are probably cases of autism that are purely genetic/hard coded in the brain. I am also not denying that the medical issues that S deals with that present outwardly as *autism* have a genetic component to them. But trusts me, none of stuff Salamander*presents with* today can be fixed with a behavioral approach (sure, I'm just going to ABA sulphur and glutamate issues right out of him..)...

Irony in all of this? My boys' dad's insistence that he has 'none of this weird, you're just imagining things' going on.He just put in an appearance..shows all the *classic* glutamate toxicity & dopamine/serotonin dysregulation signs. Sure, I'm just imagining things.. whatever..
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Boys decided to have a 'Pajama Llama' day (fine by me); building another fire (weather is miserable out here today); I think this afternoon will be perfect for watching a movie together..
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Turkey bone broth came out AWESOME! Turkey noodle soup for dinner tonite (thanks Dana, for that idea).
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Tally for today - me? 4 loads of laundry, ran dishwasher 3 x already, mixed siupplements for the entire day, 2x breakfast, 2x lunch, cleaned kitchen at least twice, various snacks, gave S a bath, making turkey noodle soup, paid a load of bills. Other *adult* in the house? Disappear for *errands*, sleep, drink beer.
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Frustrating day, very frustrating day. Now off to work on letting go of my frustration, anger, resentment etc so I don't carry those emotions over into tomorrow.....

Thanksgiving Thoughts..

I do apologize for not posting much here on the blog as of late.. At the moment, I am finding it easier to post quick blurbs on Facebook...

Here are a collection of thoughts I posted throughout the day:

NOT a good start to today. Major headache, nausea. Let's hope it passes soon....
Something's up.. Potatey is having the exact same symptoms.. especially the headache is highly unusual for him.... Salamander seems to be *OK* *but he's snarly and a bit whiney... I have gotten back into the habit of closing all windows in my house, in an attempt to preserve energy as much as I can - as this is a very old house, doing that can create a really *stuffy* atmosphere.. I may have forgotten to open up windows in the bedrooms last nite (to create some fresh air circulation when the heating is not on)I'm feeling a tad better, just very brainfogged..... Potatey is running back and forth to the bathroom, peeing up a storm..
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Turkey in the oven. Potatoes peeled & ready for boiling to make mashed. Stuffing made and ready for baking. Only one *big* cooking project left - bread rolls. Rest is *easy*. Salamander just left the house to go on a hike with his dad. As Potatey & I are a little under the weather, we're gonna hang on the couch and watch Tom & Jerry... shows together. HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL

One of these days, when I have tons and tons and tons of money sitting around doing nothin' (ROFL), I am going to get my kitchen redone. And then I want a double oven...My turkey is taking up my oven space right now, which means I can't bake my bread. But oh goodie, I DO have a bread maker (haven't used it in YEARS!! hard to make a good bread in the breadmaker if you can't use eggs or yeast). Decided to *back off* a little (just for today) on the egg and yeast restrictions and use my breadmaker.. let's see if I still remember how...
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Looking back on my life so far, have I made mistakes, have I often been wrong, do I have regrets? Yes, I have and I do. Would I change anything? Nope. As all my life's experiences to date have made me the person I am today.. I have been *forced* to grow, stretch, reach and get out of my comfort zone MORE than I ever thought possible, than I ever thought I could.
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Salamander came back from a, give or take, 5 mile hike around 1 pm and has been asking me about every 30 seconds since "when can we eat? I am STARVIN'!!!'. Going as fast as I can buddy. My kitchen/downstairs living space is hotter than hell. Stove going full blast (burners and oven), bread maker, and somebody decided that it 'be fun for the boys to have a fire in the fire place.' Hi temp not helping my headache, queasy tummy

Would have MUCH preferred it if the *fire building* had waited until AFTER we are done eating... but of course I can't say that without somebody taking it personal. Weird *vibes* in the house.. I know it was very much MY decision to NOT force the *move out* over the holidays.. for the boys' sake..Praying I can do *this* without *breaking*..
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1.5 day of cooking, 45 min of eating. LOL. Potatey decided to take on a turkey leg, and I'm happy to report that Potatey won, resoundingly. Salamander stuffed himself, twice, and then passed out in front of the fire place (men!!). Operation turkey bone broth initiated...
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Two stoneware bowls and my stoneware bread bell in a billion pieces... yeah, I'm MORE than a little annoyed, as there was a fair bit of stupidity involved. Ah well, now I'll have an excuse to buy new ones...

I actually did cry.. especially my bread bell was a price .....silly really, these were all just *things* after all.. It's just.. I really don't buy a whole lot of nice things (you all know where my $$ goes), so when I do, I am very careful with them. It hurts when others cannot seem to be bothered with exercising the same care....
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Weird/odd day - overall good tho, I think (I hope?). Boys are snuggled in, I got to watch them fall asleep (pure innocence = watching a child drift off to sleep). I ~love~ my little clan, we may be small in numbers, but we are GRAND in so many many other ways..

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Tired.. in a weird mood.. house has been *dead* quiet since 9 pm (I was & am the only one awake).. been doing a lot of reflecting and thinking in the past 3 hours, not all ~good~ thoughts/reflections. I need to do this, I need to do much MORE of this, that I do realize. Just so much *muck* to process. Uncomfortable, painful, purging, hopefully, at some point, healing..

Piggy Sniffles..

I haven't exactly been shy about expressing my opinions regarding the Swine Flu mass hysteria.

This about sums it up. Enjoy!!!!

Creepy.....

Man, the web searches that people use to land on my blog are getting increasingly creepy. And then there are a few folks that seem to be checking my blog for updates about, what, every hour ? That sounds a bit stalker-ish to me.
So be warned, creepsters and stalkers, I am going to find and install software that allows me to track (and BLOCK) IP addresses.

Now that we're on the creepy topic, yesterday's Spook Fest was AWESOME. I hope that Blogger will cooperate and will let me upload some pictures....


[Blogger IS giving me trouble, so far the above is the only ones I can get to come up. I'll work on fixing that later.. the boys need me]