PLEASE, Our Kids Need Your Vote

Yes, emerging from a long silence. Explanation for all of that will have to wait.
If you are easily offended, or if you think that my frustration and anger, in light of the terrible events in Haiti, is misplaced, then I strongly advise you to get off this blog now and not read this post. For those of you that do continue to read, I hope you can see my frustration for what it is - a mask to hide a deep, deep hurt.

Last Friday, Chase Morgan (yeah, the bank) opened up a contest of sorts in which people can put in votes towards their charity of choice. The eligible charities were picked based on voting conducted a few months ago, and the National Autism Association (NAA) was one of the charities that made it in to the contest. The contest closes tomorrow night at midnight. The winner will get 1 million (yes, ONE MILLION) US dollars, the 2nd to 5th place runners will receive $100,000 each. And yes, NAA is in the running for that 1 million dollars.

Efforts to recruit votes by a dedicated crew of totally amazing people started optimistically this past Friday, and recruitment efforts continued and continue in an upbeat tone, despite the fact that it is becoming clear that the community at large couldn't care less. A very sad reality is emerging. Despite the fact that the NAA Cause community on Facebook has over 1.3 Million members (so really, if every member voted, we'd have this contest in the bag), only about 2% of these members have actually voted. Yes, only 2%. And while incredibly dedicated folks continue to work their butts of AROUND THE CLOCK begging and pleading for votes, it's a tough tough tough battle.

An update went out this morning cut me to the deepest part of my soul.

PLEASE! AUTISM IS THE #1 CHILDHOOD DISORDER IN THE COUNTRY. AUTISM SHOULD NOT BE IN 7TH PLACE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS! There are only two days left in the Chase contest to win the most votes for a million bucks. We have almost 1.3 million members on the NAA Cause Facebook group, but are struggling to get votes to win funding for our autism programs. All it takes is a moment of your time to vote. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE VOTE! We are running out of time! www.voteautismnow.com

As I said, only about 2% of all those members have voted. I've done endless posting on Facebook, I've send emails. Some folks have voted, some have not. I've lost Facebook "friends" over my endless voting requests. I've had to remove a *friend* (I will not get into the details, but let's just say that people's true colors really have been coming out during the voting/recruitment process).

I don't know what else I CAN do to get people to vote. I wasn't going to post on my blog as I know that many of my readers do not have a Facebook account (which you need to be able to vote) and are not interested/inclined to get one either. All I can do is ask you to consider getting a Facebook account, yes, for the sake of this contest, and then, after you have voted, you can close always your account again . Our kids need your vote. NAA could do so so so so so incredibly much with 1 million dollars. (mom, if you read this, contact me off line. I am sensitive to your Facebook account concerns and I can help there with security and all that).


Having been on this crazy roller coaster ride for quite a few years now strips you off many illusions. I had very few left to begin with, but I am beyond sad that my, so far unarticulated, fear that the world at large doesn't give a rat's ass about our kids is in fact the painful truth. Sad fact is that in today's society, the good guys don't always win. In fact, more often than not, they get beaten to a bloody pulp while the world at large stands on the side lines, thumbs up their asses, making sad and sympathetic noises, will doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

And knowing this, seeing this, what's a girl to do? Turn black, hard, sarcastic, cynical? I'll be honest, it's a real struggle to not go down that path. It's also a read struggle to not just 'give up and walk away'.

But here's the thing. At the end of the day, when I look in the mirror, I'd rather see the lumps and bumps I took over the course of the day as a result of taking a stance, than to see a pristine face and knowing that the only reason it stayed pristine is because I stayed on the side line and did nothing.

I am no Pollyanna. I don't believe anymore that people are inherently good and that all will be well and will work out for the best. Life unfortunately frequently is a fight to survive. I have to actively chose every single day to maintain a positive, can do attitude and to "stay in the fight*. And there's many a day that I have to *fake it until I make it*.

But how can I be or do any different than that? What message would I be giving my boys if I were to *roll over and play dead*?

So here's my question, no my plea, to you. How will YOU decide to make a difference? Because by deciding to NOT vote for NAA you are making a difference too, but is that the difference you want to make? Please vote for real help for kids with autism now. http://www.voteautismnow.com

Oy Vey.... Still...

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.. (but please, don't do an early school release or cancel after school programs just yet....)
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Dang.. work project did NOT get completed last nite.. I gotta go back in.. Oh well....$$ in the bank..
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Today everything is just f$#king HARD!!!!!! Swimming against friggin grade 10 (if there is a grade 10) rapids.. I need sleep, seriously....
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Rapidly approaching 'curl up in fetal position, rock back and forth and suck my thumb'...

Oy Vey.. Again....

Woohee!! Worked until midnite last nite. Started again at 3 am, worked until 5 am. Now working on supplements, breakfasts, lunches etc for the boys. Once P is on the bus around 8.15 am, I'll be back on the work stuff. Yeah, I'll be *punchy* by about 9 pm tonite. 11.5 h away from deadline....
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ROFL.. P can spell alright.. "Mom, if you take the word Buckaroo, and you replace the B with an F you get.......". Yes, I was dying laughing inside, but of course I had to chastise P on using *that word*...
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7.5 h away from deadline.. a super quick shower and then off to my client's for *all hands on deck for the final publishing push*
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A little over 4 h away from deadline.. "Oops, we forgot to write this particular section. You think you can take care of that?".. WAAAAAAAH!! Okay, sure, let me get right on it..
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Getting too f#$king old for pulling multiple all nighters/dayers in a row... it's bloody pathetic.....
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Oy Vey...

Boys & I are doing good. LOOOOONG day ahead for me (so much paying work to get caught up on... well, $$ in the bank, eh?)

Wondering if anybody ever attempted plasmapheresis to switch out blood plasma with a straight caffeine solution. Am sure gonna need it to keep going today (caffeine & adrenaline & sheer pig headed stubborness is what is keeping me going at this piont.. ain't nothing else left.. ah well, this work project should come to an end sometime this week, then I can take maybe a half day to *go down in flames*..)
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CRAZY work day.. and still at it... will be another all niter me thinks. Been ignoring my poor boys all afternoon.. they've done a good job at entertaining themselves.. however, involving waay more *electronics* time than I would have preferred (yup, momma guilt). But momma's gotta get this job done.. less than 24 hours... away from deadline and I am so friggin' far behind..
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20.5 h from deadline... Boys are NOT happy with me for having *ignored* them since they came home from school. They understand, but they're not liking it... If only I hadn't fallen so incredibly far behind.. (note to self: a difficult separation, two *hi need* kiddos and a very challenging work project are definitely NOT a good combination..)
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Day 2/Round 2...

Am gonna need your positive thoughts etc today. Today is gonna be hard (it already is). Yesterday was just me and the XTB. In a one-on-one, XTB turns weepy, whiny. Today the boys are here (they will be leaving with a dear friend around 11 am for a few hour), AND XTB has recruited my neighbors to help him move sh#t.
So... now XTB feels 10 feet tall and the manipulating is in full force..

I need to slam the shields in place, and go in biotch mode But he also knows I can't say or do what needs to be said or done in front of the boys.. .
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Boys are out of the house (have been since 11.15 am), which makes things more manageable as I don't have to worry about how they are handling/perceiving things or manage any meltdowns (I already told the boys that they can fall apart and meltdown all they want later tonite...)

Just had a chat with one neighbor to address any potential awkwardness. TG the guy is a total straight shooter with a good head on his shoulders (aka he ain't stupid and can read between the lines..) - no awkwardness there at all (at least NOT from his end..)....

Moving on to the next thing..
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There is ALWAYS good stuff. My other neighbor is building an ice rink for the winter in his backyard. Now how friggin' cool is THAT?? (Yes, I'm a skatin' fool...)
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Boys are back home.. Especially Salamander is NOT handling the changes to our living spaces well.. he's raging in his room right now (he's allowed to rage there). Boys' rooms have NOT changed at all. I was adamant that NOTHING be taken or be changed in their rooms... Is gonna be a bumpy ride this afternoon/tomorrow...
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Salamander is better....not raging anymore... talking with me instead of screaming at me.... baby steps, baby steps..
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Weirdest thing.. I have 4 flameless candles that each go thru their own individual *change of color* sequence. They are NOT supposed to be synchronized. About 20 minutes ago, when I moved these into my kitchen and turned them on, the colors and color changes were COMPLETELY synchronized. For almost a full 5 minutes. Message from the Universe that balance/equilibrium is coming? I'll take it as such....
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So friggin' TIRED. Can't *crash* just yet. Need to get boys thru bedtime and then really should put in at least 3 to 4 hours of paying work. Just don't know if I can.. major headache brewing (snowing out here now). I may just crash after the boys are in bed and get up VERY early tomorrow..

Boys are supposed to be with their dad for a good part of tomorrow.. so if I can get an early start and then work while the boys are gone.. and then work more tomorrow nite after they're in bed I should be able to get 8 to 9 hours of paying work in somehow...
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Potatey simply passed out at bed time.. with narry a peep.. utterly exhausted. Which DOES mean he and I didn't get a chance to talk about today's events.. I'm a bit worried about him, I just don't get the time I need with Potatey to help him process as my focus tends to have to be on Salamander. During Salamander's meltdown this afternoon, I know Potatey had a hard time too, but his needs took a back seat to me helping Salamander calm down.

MUST. MAKE. SURE. I. TAKE. LOTS. OF. TIME. NEXT. WEEK. FOR. P (oh, if only I didn't have this work assigment looming over my head, then I'd simply shut down for a week..)

Moving Out.. (and Moving On)

First things first, many happy birthday wishes from me and my boys to my mom. Sorry that a proper celebration will have to wait a bit....

So today is the start of moving out (and moving on) - a random collection of observations...

There's a student at Salamander's school who's gonna be EXTREMELY sorry that he ever decided to stick his grubby paws in Salamander's lunch box... [I am BULLSH#T, Salamander has had his lunch taken away from him for the past 3+ weeks!!!]
This kid just f#cked with the WRONG momma bear.. Thing is, the kid's not even eating the food. He takes it, takes a bite out of things, then either throws it in the trash cuz he doesn't like it or he starts throwing pieces of food through the caf.Not cool, so NOT cool at all...
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Commencing Operating "Get the F out of my house"...strapping on the 'all business' mask..
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It is most definitely NOT I who's the *clothes horse*.. Sh#t, two extra closets already and move out has barely gotten started....
Oh. Em. Gee... not sure on whether or he wants to take some of the boys' formal pictures, but does take all the f#$king extension power cords?????

I know, I know.. priorities and all that...
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18 years (give or take, obviously not all *officially* married).. and all that's left is piles and piles and piles of f#$king debris...
You know that I don't tend to spend a lot of time looking back (yeah, at some point I'll have to do some solid thinking/dissecting on my part of this whole situation, to learn from it, and to not repeat mistakes..)...

What's done is done, I can't do anything about it. But what I ~can~ affect is the here and now.. (and maybe in some small way the future as well.. thru what my boys will carry with them into their own lives..)
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Ya know what? I ~am~ getting the *better deal* in this whole mess.. Sure I don't have a new, all spiffed up, with brand new furniture & all the fixin's, ultimate bachelor pad to show off, but that's just stuff...
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Mwahahahahaha (sorry, I know that this is mean, but it IS too effin funny). So XTB has packed up a lot of his sh#t, drove over to the new place to unload. Turns out new place isn't ready for moving in yet (guess he had just a few demands on things he wanted changed). So now the stuff is sitting in the drive way (as it sure as heck is not coming back here). Let's hope the weather holds..

I know I shouldn't get a (more than a little) chuckle out of this.. it's evil.. but man, HE decided that no, the move out into the glorious sunrise of a new life could NOT wait until after Xmas (I think he had anticipated me putting up a fight over it, begging him to stay for the boys sake... well, THAT ship sailed such a long time ago..) and now that *hurry to get started* is biting him in the ass...
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Situation with that little punk who decided that Salamander's lunchbox was his *let's mess around with S* playground has been addressed. Salamander had all of his lunch today, in peace. [we'll see if it holds... I'll keep checking in with Salamander on how things are going..]

And We Are On Our Way.....

Will be telling my friend C.R. in person later today how HAPPY and THANKFUL I am that she's in my life. She took 4 phone calls from me yesterday as I was working thru yesterday's 'now I have no choice but to tell my boys what is going to happen' situation.
Without EVER making me feel that I was bugging her. She listened to me, gave really great advise and didn't hesitate to kick my ass when I started to back down..
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Repeat after me "Fool me many more times than twice, shame on me".. I almost almost almost got suckered in again.... almost.

If not for these two precious boys who deserve a relationship with their father, I'd be cutting ties completely. Right now. This very minute.
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Despite (or maybe in spite?) of yesterday's *events*, boys have been having a really good day. Boys and I pretty much followed our usual Sunday routine, and I think that seeing/experiencing that nothing is really going to change is helping the boys. They are actually much calmer, more at ease and easier with each other than they have been in a while...
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I may have spoken a bit too soon...
Salamander started having a rough time at around 6.30 pm.. he's sad, he's confused, he told me he's worried about there being enough money, he told me he's worried about me and his dad ending up fighting over him and Potatey and splitting him and Potatey up (I am so impressed with his ability to articulate what his worries are..). I reassured him as best as I could.

What is hard for Salamander is that, so far, I have always always always been able to either give him concrete answers to his questions, or I've been able to work with him on getting to concrete answers. In this particular situation, I simply don't have all the concrete answers, and I've had to say to him several times now "Babes, I just don't know yet how this is going to be, going to work, what it's going to look like. What I can tell you tho is that as soon as I ~do~ know, I will tell you."

It's the ambivalence, the not knowing, the not having an exact picture in his head that is so so so so hard for him (it is hard for any kid, but due to his particular complex of challenges, it IS harder).

Potatey had a rough time at bed time. Sadness and anger. Potatey was clear tho that he wasn't angry at me or at his dad. That he was angry about the situation and that if he had a choice between this situation happening and not happening, he would choose NOT happening (I am very impressed too with Potatey's ability to express himself..). I told him I understood, but that that is not a choice there is. That the situation IS happening and that we are going to have to work thru it, one day, one moment at a time. Interestingly, once Potatey had had a chance to say *his piece* and squeeze *the snot* out of his stress ball (he has a squishy ball next to his bed that he squeezes really really hard when he's angry about something that has happened during the day), he snuggled right into his blankets as he always does and drifted off to sleep....

It's a process obviously, and I fully anticipate that the "dinner until bedtime" period will be rough for the boys for a while. I just have to make sure that I stay open and present to their feelings about the whole situation, that I give them a chance to say what they need to say (without inserting my own feelings into what they are saying, or taking what they are saying personally..).

We will get thru this, that I ~do~ know.

The Day The Boys Were Told....

Had to force a family meeting about an hour ago to tell the boys officially what is going on. They are taking it HARD, especially Salamander. But after XTB decided to make the boys active participants/co-conspirators in his *grand scheme of double life fibbery", I had to decide that *enough is enough*. XTB's move out is starting next week.

Things happen when they are supposed to happen.. there is obviously no good time for any of this, and I was very MAD earlier today for having the *how and when* pulled away from me.. but I am OK with it now.. it's done, so now we can move from here.

Potatey is AMAZING. Yes, he's upset, and he will be upset for a while to come and he'll have his angry, why, *I want this to be fixed* moments, but he's already processing, asking all the appropriate questions, thinking HARD already on how to make the best of the situation as is....
Salamander however is taking it very very hard. He's blaming himself, he even asked me today 'Mom, is this because of me?". How do I answer that? As yes, he, or more precisely, how each of his parents have dealt and deal with what is going on with him is a big part of it..

I assured Salamander as best as I could, that no this is NOT because of him, that this is because of me and because of his dad and that while we cannot fix the issues in the husband/wife relationship, we will now work HARD on making sure the parent relationship becomes what it needs to be, for Salamander and for Potatey (and I said a lot more to him than what I can capture here right now).. Salamander is not convinced.. he's a smart kiddo (and this is where counseling will be so incredibly important for him).

The boys and I have a long and bumpy road ahead of us. But I for one, am glad that we are finally getting going..
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Potatey is so so so so sad tonite (I knew the reality of it all would hit him at some point). My heart is breaking for him.... but I can't fix this or make this better... we'll just have to get thru it to the other side..
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Boys have been sleeping OK so far. I DID have the "these will be the boundaries that will not be crossed, which are KEY as you're basically living in my backyard' talk with XTB. He seemed to accept my ground rules, but I've learned the hard way that acceptance/agreement in verbal conversation and actually respecting/complying in deed are two entirely different things.

I'll have to continue to stand my ground and not ever get 'lulled asleep' (aka get manipulated by the 'I'm a good guy who wants the best for you all' act) again. As they say "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice (and needless to say we are waaaaay beyond twice here), shame on me."

The Day After....

Collection of thoughts from the day:

Post excess glutamate, protein, sulphur, oxalate hangover here. Salamander is a mess, Potatey is doing OK (just very zippy and slurred/hyper drive speed), I'm OK too (as I didn't eat that much). Anybody who has a hard time *believing* that autism could be a manifestation of a brain/body chemistry/metabolic disorder, feel fee to stop by today and observe for yourself..

Salamander has brain fog, word retrieval issues, very sad/weepy, sulphur stink oozing out of his skin, moves in slow motion, can't think his way out of cardboard box, no endurance, low muscle tone, grey pasty skin, purple eye circles, bloated belly, stomach ache, absolutely SOAKED the bed last nite (3 times).
Sure, this sh#t is just all *behavioral and hardcoded in to the brain*.

Now he overindulged, but not to the extreme (as all foods I made are within the *food* restrictions, just not necessarily within the *food component* restrictions). His metabolism is just so GD fragile (I mean, how sad is it that this kid can't even enjoy a holiday meal without paying for it the next day... ).

Yeah, I'm mad. I knew that this was going to happen, was fully prepared for it (or so I thought), I'm just mad that it has to be this way for him.. It is NOT fair.


I am not *blind* to the fact that there are probably cases of autism that are purely genetic/hard coded in the brain. I am also not denying that the medical issues that S deals with that present outwardly as *autism* have a genetic component to them. But trusts me, none of stuff Salamander*presents with* today can be fixed with a behavioral approach (sure, I'm just going to ABA sulphur and glutamate issues right out of him..)...

Irony in all of this? My boys' dad's insistence that he has 'none of this weird, you're just imagining things' going on.He just put in an appearance..shows all the *classic* glutamate toxicity & dopamine/serotonin dysregulation signs. Sure, I'm just imagining things.. whatever..
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Boys decided to have a 'Pajama Llama' day (fine by me); building another fire (weather is miserable out here today); I think this afternoon will be perfect for watching a movie together..
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Turkey bone broth came out AWESOME! Turkey noodle soup for dinner tonite (thanks Dana, for that idea).
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Tally for today - me? 4 loads of laundry, ran dishwasher 3 x already, mixed siupplements for the entire day, 2x breakfast, 2x lunch, cleaned kitchen at least twice, various snacks, gave S a bath, making turkey noodle soup, paid a load of bills. Other *adult* in the house? Disappear for *errands*, sleep, drink beer.
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Frustrating day, very frustrating day. Now off to work on letting go of my frustration, anger, resentment etc so I don't carry those emotions over into tomorrow.....

Thanksgiving Thoughts..

I do apologize for not posting much here on the blog as of late.. At the moment, I am finding it easier to post quick blurbs on Facebook...

Here are a collection of thoughts I posted throughout the day:

NOT a good start to today. Major headache, nausea. Let's hope it passes soon....
Something's up.. Potatey is having the exact same symptoms.. especially the headache is highly unusual for him.... Salamander seems to be *OK* *but he's snarly and a bit whiney... I have gotten back into the habit of closing all windows in my house, in an attempt to preserve energy as much as I can - as this is a very old house, doing that can create a really *stuffy* atmosphere.. I may have forgotten to open up windows in the bedrooms last nite (to create some fresh air circulation when the heating is not on)I'm feeling a tad better, just very brainfogged..... Potatey is running back and forth to the bathroom, peeing up a storm..
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Turkey in the oven. Potatoes peeled & ready for boiling to make mashed. Stuffing made and ready for baking. Only one *big* cooking project left - bread rolls. Rest is *easy*. Salamander just left the house to go on a hike with his dad. As Potatey & I are a little under the weather, we're gonna hang on the couch and watch Tom & Jerry... shows together. HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL

One of these days, when I have tons and tons and tons of money sitting around doing nothin' (ROFL), I am going to get my kitchen redone. And then I want a double oven...My turkey is taking up my oven space right now, which means I can't bake my bread. But oh goodie, I DO have a bread maker (haven't used it in YEARS!! hard to make a good bread in the breadmaker if you can't use eggs or yeast). Decided to *back off* a little (just for today) on the egg and yeast restrictions and use my breadmaker.. let's see if I still remember how...
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Looking back on my life so far, have I made mistakes, have I often been wrong, do I have regrets? Yes, I have and I do. Would I change anything? Nope. As all my life's experiences to date have made me the person I am today.. I have been *forced* to grow, stretch, reach and get out of my comfort zone MORE than I ever thought possible, than I ever thought I could.
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Salamander came back from a, give or take, 5 mile hike around 1 pm and has been asking me about every 30 seconds since "when can we eat? I am STARVIN'!!!'. Going as fast as I can buddy. My kitchen/downstairs living space is hotter than hell. Stove going full blast (burners and oven), bread maker, and somebody decided that it 'be fun for the boys to have a fire in the fire place.' Hi temp not helping my headache, queasy tummy

Would have MUCH preferred it if the *fire building* had waited until AFTER we are done eating... but of course I can't say that without somebody taking it personal. Weird *vibes* in the house.. I know it was very much MY decision to NOT force the *move out* over the holidays.. for the boys' sake..Praying I can do *this* without *breaking*..
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1.5 day of cooking, 45 min of eating. LOL. Potatey decided to take on a turkey leg, and I'm happy to report that Potatey won, resoundingly. Salamander stuffed himself, twice, and then passed out in front of the fire place (men!!). Operation turkey bone broth initiated...
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Two stoneware bowls and my stoneware bread bell in a billion pieces... yeah, I'm MORE than a little annoyed, as there was a fair bit of stupidity involved. Ah well, now I'll have an excuse to buy new ones...

I actually did cry.. especially my bread bell was a price .....silly really, these were all just *things* after all.. It's just.. I really don't buy a whole lot of nice things (you all know where my $$ goes), so when I do, I am very careful with them. It hurts when others cannot seem to be bothered with exercising the same care....
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Weird/odd day - overall good tho, I think (I hope?). Boys are snuggled in, I got to watch them fall asleep (pure innocence = watching a child drift off to sleep). I ~love~ my little clan, we may be small in numbers, but we are GRAND in so many many other ways..

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Tired.. in a weird mood.. house has been *dead* quiet since 9 pm (I was & am the only one awake).. been doing a lot of reflecting and thinking in the past 3 hours, not all ~good~ thoughts/reflections. I need to do this, I need to do much MORE of this, that I do realize. Just so much *muck* to process. Uncomfortable, painful, purging, hopefully, at some point, healing..

Piggy Sniffles..

I haven't exactly been shy about expressing my opinions regarding the Swine Flu mass hysteria.

This about sums it up. Enjoy!!!!

Creepy.....

Man, the web searches that people use to land on my blog are getting increasingly creepy. And then there are a few folks that seem to be checking my blog for updates about, what, every hour ? That sounds a bit stalker-ish to me.
So be warned, creepsters and stalkers, I am going to find and install software that allows me to track (and BLOCK) IP addresses.

Now that we're on the creepy topic, yesterday's Spook Fest was AWESOME. I hope that Blogger will cooperate and will let me upload some pictures....


[Blogger IS giving me trouble, so far the above is the only ones I can get to come up. I'll work on fixing that later.. the boys need me]

Just Another Day....

Call from Potatey's 1st grade teacher about an *incident* involving Potatey (yes, Potatey!!). Incident was substantial, we're working thru things. But boy, the combination of 1st grade and incident was enough to throw this momma right back into some really *difficult* (terrible, awful, no good, etc) 1st grade memories involving Salamander.

The joys of a pre-teen with virtually no filter on what comes out of his mouth, plunging headlong into puberty. Salamander yelling from the shower: "Mom, mom, come see. My b@lls are changing. They are no longer little acorns, they are now walnuts!!!"
TMI??
Too bad.
If I can keep my composure through this (although a somewhat hysterical snort did escape me), so can you..

A lady commenting to me earlier today, that I was *giggly*.
OK, lady, you'd rather have me break out in maniacal laughter?? I can do that too, quite well actually...

Oh, and did I mention that my refrigerator croaked??

And that my trusted VW Jetta, now having exceeded 105,000 miles, is slowly falling apart on me?

Just another day, just another day....

The Winding (and Sometimes Twisted) Journey has turned into *Spinning wheels and ever so slowly sinking deeper and deeper into the muck*.

Meh..

Must.Find.Planks.To.Lay.Over.Mud.Hole....

[am working on a 'this is where I'm at' post. Post won't be brave, won't be 'I'm hanging in', won't be 'I'll survive.", won't be "Things will get better.", won't be "the Silver Lining.". It will be on what is. Warts and all].

Boys are mostly good. Salamander is settling into Middle School well. He's definitely struggling with a few things, but nothing I hadn't expected or anticipated. His IEP and 3-year reeval are coming up shortly.. so I am planning on addressing these issues then (and in the mean time, I'll keep gathering my data..).

Potatey is having a really hard time.. which really really worries me. Very *ADHD* as of late. Not that he can't do the work.. he's whip smart.. blows through academic materials at home *just like that*. But at school? No focus, no ability to sit still, no *stick with it*ness. He's struggling making friends (which is really out of the norm for him). I need to figure out what's up.

Part of it may be that I simply haven't been as 'centered' myself (not that I am THAT centered.. but I am 'off my game', no doubt about that..). Part of it is that I've gotten a bit complacent on the rotation part of the boys' diets and I don't think that's agreeing with either of them. And then there is the change of seasons. And probably the biggest part? I started two new B12 forms (well, new for Potatey; Salamander has been on these forms for a while now) about 2 weeks ago. So I suspect part of the attention problem is just plain ole detox (yup, I have testing pending, but as I now run these thru my DAN! docs office as opposed to straight through Dr. Amy, to save a few $$, I am finding myself waiting FOREVER for the results.. GRRRRR).

Sorry for not having posted much.. I have plenty to write about, plenty to say, but just not enough time to put cohesive posts together.

Boys are doing OK.. settled into school... Salamander is doing really really well, Potatey is having a bit more trouble getting adjusted...which surprises me, and is something I need to keep an eye on.

Me? Hanging in. The boys keep me going, they are my reasons for getting out of bed in the morning.

I know, no I HAVE to hang on to believing, that sometime in the not too distant future all of the current B..S.. will come to an end. So I can pick up the pieces, and move forward. So I can be the best I can be for my boys.

In the mean time, all I can do is hang on, put what little pieces I can control in the proper place, make progress and complete what little things I can get resolution on.

Bottom line, XTB needs, no MUST, get a job. Unfortunately, unless I go the *gloves off* legal route at mucho $$$$, I can't make him. There is nothing I or the boys can do to have him snap out of *sulky little boy who is pitching a tantrum because things don't go his way* mode.

All I can do is do what I need to do to be able to take care of my precious boys on my own... and that's gonna take time...

Originally posted on September 18, 2009

Haven't blogged in FAR TOO long. Sorry. Just too much going on, too much 'trying to survive', too much dealing with the latest thing blowing up in my face.

That being said, the boys are doing well. They are settling back into the school routine. Sure, we have our hiccups here and there. But hey, who doesn't. It's all been very manageable.

In my personal life? Chaos. A, for me, increasingly impossible status quo. Allowing fear to creep in and keep me from doing what needs doing...

I told the boys dad this past Tuesday that he needs to move out of the house. I cannot, no I WILL NOT, allow the current insanity to continue. It's not good for the boys. And honestly? It is not good for me. And I think I am entitled to being just a tad selfish.

The dads' dad gave an absolutely non committal response. A passive-aggressive 'OK, I'll start looking' but not taking any action, a 'whatever, I'll say yes to humor her but I'll keep doing whatever it is that I want to do' response.

So this will be sent out to communicate that the bullshit stops here. And that it stops now.

Added on September 24, 2009:
The communication linked to above, so far, has not been sent out.

Not because I *chickened out*. Several events took place that made me realize that, while it will be immensely satisfying, to *bite back* and to make it very clear that crapping all over another person is not OK, *going in guns blazing* would not have been, will not ever be, in the best interest of the boys. Then events took place on Saturday, and then Monday evening and again today, that reaffirmed that I must do what I can to continue to take the high road (and let the other person bury himself deeper and deeper in crappola). Now that doesn't mean that I don't *nip* every once and a while - I am human and no, last time I checked, *doormat* is not written on my back.

To clarify? I don't care that XTB is fully engaged in another relationship. This marriage [and the more I think about it and the more I get to see from dear friends what a REAL marriage looks like - I don't think you can even call what's been going on here for at least the past 10 years a marriage] has been dead for a long time. So be it. What happened, happened. And while I, of course, have my part in why things didn't work out, I have no regrets that, about 5 years ago, when it was CRYSTAL clear that the boys' dad was just not ever going to step up to the plate, I put all my energy and focus into getting the boys well. The only regret I do have? That I didn't have the *balls* to end this whole farce earlier (as really, looking back? I *knew* by the time that Salamander was 10 months old, that I would always be on my own in doing whatever needed doing to figure out what was going on with Salamander). I should have ended things when Potatey was about 4 months old and it became more and more evident, that Potatey too, had stuff going on.

Ah well, what's done cannot be undone. Moving forward. No more *running in place*

One thing that I do need to accomplish? Getting across, in a constructive way, without sinking down to the XTB's level of crap slinging, that the lying, sneaking around, making up elaborate ruses, telling bald faced lies to the boys about where he is going to be, what he is going to do, and why, therefore, he cannot spend time with them, blowing through heaps of money where there is none to spend, IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.

We're BACK!!

Boys and I had an awesome time. They did so very very well (above and beyond my expectations) - we had so many fun experiences together and made some really precious memories (I'll write about all we did and experienced when I am a bit more organized and not so tired..)

Today's homecoming ROYALLY SUCKED tho.. for many, many reasons..

Off to The Cape

Boys and I are leaving town today, for a week stay in a beach house on the Cape (yes, we'll get to see the ocean swells generated by Hurricane Bill.. that will be soooo COOL. And no, we won't be going into the water when the waves are like that.. that just would not be safe).

We'll be back next Saturday. It'll be good to be away from all the B... S.. for a bit (no, boys' dad is NOT coming along. He's got much more pressing matters to attend to, like find a new job. Plus he is so NOT a beach person...)

In case you're wondering how I can pay for a stay on the Cape, smack dab in the middle of summer season? Well, this particular trip was booked and paid for WELL before the current sh#t storm struck..

Catch you on the other end..

(I have no idea whether or not I'll have access to the web.. I'll figure that out once we get there.. and if not, I think it'll be good to go *unplugged* for a bit..)

I AM TIRED!!!!

Am I gonna say it?

Hell yes, I AM gonna say it...

I am tired, tired of having to be the grown-up ALL THE TIME,

tired of having to be the ROCK ALL THE TIME (and then being presented by another person as "cold, unfeeling, no compassion, controlling, un-trusting, etc"),

tired of always having to keep on the *happy, positive, things will come together* face/mood/spirit in front of the boys [and of course I'll keep doing that, for the boys sake]

tired of not being able to sleep at night worrying about mortgage payments, health insurance, utility bills, grocery bills, how to keep the boys' protocols going etc etc [while another person passes out for a MINIMUM of 9 hours and needs to have a long nap during the day]

tired of being expected to "play nice and keep a lid on my anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness" for sake of preserving the parenting relationship

tired of having somebody use his particular complex of health challenges (and I don't deny there are health challenges - but they are not nearly as debilitating as presented) as an excuse for 'not doing'

At some point, more ranting will follow over here. Haven't had the energy yet to do so, plus, really, right now it's better for me to NOT dwell in negativity.. I've got a mountain of work that must get done.. before I need to move into dinner crunch time ...


P.S. And then these two quotes came my way over the course of the day:

"Fight one more round. When your arms are so tired that you can hardly lift your hands to come on guard, fight one more round. When your nose is bleeding and your eyes are black and you are so tired that you wish your opponent would crack you one on the jaw and put you to sleep, fight one more round-remembering that the man who fights one more round is never whipped."

James Corbett

"Tough times never last, but tough people do."

Robert H. Schuller

MEH......

So I had my 4 month "post discovery of lumpy bumpies" check up this morning.

Mixed bag.

Blood pressure up (from my typical "low-normal" range to "high normal"). Well, no sh#t on that one eh? I guess you could say that I am experiencing an eensy teensy weensy bit of stress and that I wouldn't be human if that didn't have some type of effect (and I sure as heck ain't no Zen Buddist..)..

One of the "lumpy bumpy" areas has changed too (with what that change entails 'to be elaborated upon'). So additional appointments have been scheduled for more poking and prodding (oh what fun..).

MEH....

The good news (yes, there is always a silver lining)???

I lost 5 lbs since the previous check-up. I just didn't have the heart to tell the doc that those pounds most likely dropped off me in the past 3 weeks or so (as opposed to the past 4 months).

Happy.... Happy.... Happy.... Happy.... Happy.... Happy.... Happy.... Happy.... Happy.....

Thank you all so very very much. A friend told me yesterday "Ask and you shall receive". Another friend told me today "The Universe gives back what you put into it". A third friend said "What goes around, comes around". I have said these words, I have used these expressions, but never truly believed, as in "soul believed"...

I stand corrected...

I am humbled, I am elated, I will rest easier knowing that I do have a community who's 'got my back'.

xoxoxoxo

I Need Your Help. No, Let Me Rephrase, My Boys Need Your Help..

Well, I didn't think it was ever going to come to this.. but it did.. I need your help.

Not for me, but for my boys.

It feels incredibly weird to do this (you all know how well I do with asking for help), but for the sake of my boys, I will swallow my pride and reach out.

I need to make some decisions regarding what parts of the boys' current treatment protocols I may be able to taper down on a bit (to cut down on $$)- hopefully not forever but at least for the upcoming 6 - 9 months, until I am (well, that's the plan anyway) on the other side of our current predicaments.

I want to be able to make informed decisions on what to taper down on, so I need to get a series of tests run on the boys so I can do that.

Most of you know about Lend4Health. Most of you know that I've 'gone in' myself on pretty much every loan that has hit the site. And now I find myself on the other side. Yes, a loan request is up for my boys.

I am not asking or expecting any of you to contribute.

However, if you could repost this loan request on your Facebook pages, or your blogs, twitter, or in any other way that will allow it to get some 'web time', I would so much appreciate that.

[and if you do decide to pitch in, my everlasting gratitude. Please understand that any contributions would be a loan. I will pay you pack]

Thanks


I am absolutely speechless on what has been happening - the loan request is already FUNDED. And it's a friggin' Saturday!! I have no words.. no words...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

L.O.V.E

Careful What You "Wish" For....

I've commented a few times in the past that things possible couldn't get crazier (worse, deeper in the pit, whatever phrase I may have used), that the only way to go from here would be up.

Well, I was WRONG.

Boys' dad lost his job this morning. Good news is that he did get a bit of a buffer while he's looking for a new job. Bad news is that of end of next month, my boys will be without health insurance.

Needless to say, any efforts towards finalizing divorce have been placed on hold.
Another needless to say, as has been the case so many times before, finding a way out of this particular mess has landed squarely on my shoulders too.

Well, one friend commented recently that I have a spine of plutonium. Time to prove that once again eh? And you know what they say "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

Yeah.. What She Said..

I was going to write my own story/commentary to this particular piece by Julie over on Age of Autism. But I don't have it in me right now.. It's been kind of a rough day.. I had a real estate appraiser coming through my house, and the realization hit me HARD that some time soon I am going to have to uproot my kids out of the only home they've ever known (let's hope I can convince a certain player to give me some time to do that.. wanting to move on is all good and well, but NOT at the expense of the boyos..)

My story is different than Julie's, but the emotions are the same..

So without much further blabber, here goes

[and yes, continuing to disable the comment option..]

Leaving You, For Now, With These..

I do not know WHEN I'll be back.. just THAT I'll be back..

In the mean time, friends and family, you know where to reach me....

Been A Bad Momma...

Well, BLOG momma that is...

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last entry. It's not that I don't have anything to write about.. Boy, do I have stuff to write about. Juicy, wacked-out, 'this only happens in the movies' kinda stuff. I have frequently said before that I seem to be stuck in living a soap opera.. well, be careful what you wish for, as right now I so am.

But all musings about the crazy stuff that is happening, the stuff I am discovering, the decisions I have to make will have to hold. My instincts tell me that right now is just not the time to 'air the skid marked underwear'.. Not until this whole deal is done and the final legal piece of paperwork has been signed and filed (but after that, all bets are off... LOL).

I am holding my own.. some days better than others. TG for my absolutely amazing circle of friends. Ladies, I would have gone stark raving kooky during the past 3 weeks if not for your constant reassurance that my instincts are sound and that I need to follow them.

The boys do not officially know yet.. but neither is stupid. I think Salamander has it all figured out already, and I am pretty sure Potatey is pretty close to putting the pieces together. And all I can do.. when the time comes to break the news.. is to be there for them, to take the brunt of their emotions, and to get them counseling when they need it (and they most likely will, so I've already started asking around). Physically they are both doing OK (have had to put my 'next step in their protocols' plan for this summer on hold), they both are enjoying their summer camps and all the fun experiences that go with that. I am going to do my very darnest to give them the best possible summer experience I can.
And beyond that, all I can do is stick with my 'whatever happens happens' attitude and deal with situations as they arise.

Now, as I do need to let a little of my inner bitch out, I am going to leave you with a few tidbits. Most of my readers have wonderfully creative (twisted?) minds, so you can all fill in the blanks:

1. Strong narcissistic traits, artful manipulator. And I am learning that you cannot beat a narcissist/practiced manipulator at his own game. Being on the offense does not work, playing defense does not work. What works, to a point, is to stay neutral, detached, business like.
2. Question everything. There is a hidden agenda to every comment made, everything proposed.
3. I discovered that I have been lied to, manipulated, deceived since Salamander was born (he'll be 11.5 years old at the end of September). Probably even longer than that.
4. Apparently it is completely acceptable (well, NOT to me it is), with unbecoming and unsavory haste to detach oneself from one's current life (even try to go as far as trying to erasing/doing a mind wipe??) and immediately (concurrently??) swap it out for a new life (hey, I get moving on, I do. And I get wanting to erase ME from memory. But the boys too??)

Ah well, I now truly have no illusions left. And if nothing else, I am finding previously untapped wells of strength in myself, as well as skills I never knew I had. And despite swimming through loads of male cow dung every single day, my self confidence and trust in my instincts is growing every day. It's a platitude, but truly 'what doesn't kill you DOES make you stronger.'

Ta ta for now...

I have chosen to turn comments for this post off, as well as to not display any comments already received (yes, of course, I can already hear how THAT action is being spun). Thing is, this is MY blog. Nobody has to read what I write, all are free to come and go and never come back again. I am working through this whole mess the best I can..

Yes, I am OK...

I have been asked several times today if I'm OK..

Yes, I actually am.

Am I overwhelmed by what's ahead? Yes. It's gonna take time to untangle the strands of 19 year long journeys that, while far from truly shared, did run parallel.

But as a friend just reminded me. I don't have to *get it all done* in a day, or a week, or even a month. The most important step has been made.. the elephant has been called out and put out of its misery.. and I am at peace with the, for the first time in a very looong time made mutual, decision.

[will I have my rough moments, will I hit bumps in the road/breakdowns along the way? Hell yes..]

Tonight a "deadly ill elephant" was finally put out of its misery..

Now moving on to cleaning up the rotting carcass...

MIA For While Longer..

So I had every intention of doing at least one, if not more, catch up on the going's on post.

And then the rug was pulled out from under me once again. In a big way. No, the boys are OK. We are wrapping up on the school year, both boys are transitioning to new schools in September, so things are hectic and crazy there. Both Salamander and Potatey are rolling with the flow, getting a kick out of all the *graduation* activities...

Salamander continues to have some bad moments, but nothing I can't handle. And whatever *bug present* was left, it has departed too.

It's me this time.. Things that have been brewing in my personal life for a long time have now reached critical mass. And I have to go off and do what needs doing. While protecting my boys the best I can and with all I've got. While doing my very best to shield myself from certain pictures that are being painted of me.. especially the pictures that pertain to me in my capacity and capability as a mother (oh yes, that one hurts like HELL).

I will be back.. just don't know when.. don't want to make any promises I can't keep.

[to all the amazing dads that I do know are out there? Happy Father's Day..]

MIA (for a bit, hopefully temporarily)

Going to have to go MIA for a bit (again..).

A "bug" of some sort (paternal grandfather was sneezing, coughing and wheezing during his visit) seems to have taken up house here and has triggered a flare of my pertussis???/bronchitis+mono??? of earlier this winter. I am exhausted again, coughing, muscle weak, achy, brain fog, easily overwhelmed, hitting emotional overload over the slightest little thing.

I have reintroduced a bunch of supplements that I successfully used earlier this winter to lick *this thing*, but I'll need to give it a few days to see if it has any effect. If not, plan B (don't know yet what plan B will be yet). And yes, I will rest as much as I possibly can.

Salamander is not himself either... have my thoughts on what is going on with him.. not 100% sure yet. Potatey is a bit *off* too....

And I suspect that the crazy, uppy downy weather is so NOT helping.. It's still (relatively speaking) COLD here..

Still here, still *alive* (sort of).

The visit was, well, what can I say that hasn't been said in response to prior visits?
The same, the usual, some folks just can't seem to find very many nice things to say, some folks will just never *get it*.

And I'm done trying to explain, to teach, to justify, to try to get them to understand (heck, after 5 years of that, if they were going to get it, they would by now). Interestingly enough, when I hear them talk about their other grandkids, there's plenty *stuff* going on. But they have decided to take the stance that this *stuff* is what ALL kids go through. They have accepted that all this *stuff* is the new *normal* (which is something I cannot and will not do.. but hey, to each their own, right?)

Wish I could put up a collage of pictures of how my guys look versus their cousins, so you could see what I mean. But as the cousins are not my kids, I can't. All I'm gonna say is "greyish white and puffy faces, swollen eyes, red eyes, purple/black circles, zoned out look, red noses, red cheeks, red ear lobes, very limp and very pale hair, noticeably underweight, noticeably overweight." [and actually, these observations extend to the cousins' parents too..]

But hey, as I am sure most kids that the cousins interact with look that way.. I can see that this would be considered the new *normal*.

Whatever..

Boys overall had a good time.. I think.. Salamander was *different* though.

Taking a day to get my head back where it belongs.. with my amazing boys and the amazing progress they have made and will continue to make.

Salamander did an INCREDIBLE job at his 5th grade musical last night. I cried (happy tears) the entire 45 minutes of the performance. I was inundated by school staff afterwards who all expressed their amazement and delight with how *into it* he got and what a great job he did (and no way, no how he could have done this even 1.5 years ago).

THIS is the stuff that matters.

The rest of it? Just noise.. Some people just like to hear themselves *talk* a bit too much....

Give Me Strength..

It's been a little over 2 hours since "The Arrival" and my teeth are already on edge...

Their flight was delayed, so they got the house after the boys' bed time, Potatey was already sound asleep, Salamander was drifting off.. but as their arrival at the house was accompanied with a TREMENDOUS amount of noise, Salamander got startled and became agitated and anxious..so I stayed with him until he had settled down again.

When I made it downstairs (no, I didn't immediately run downstairs to do the meet and greet thing.. I was busy with Salamander) I was greeted with a 'Oh, you are actually here? The house was so quiet that we thought you had gone off and were busy doing all those things that you are involved in these days."

WTF?

First of all, I would NEVER EVER leave my boys alone in the house unattended.

Second, the TV was on as I was recording a show for Salamander (old TV, old VCR system. TV must be on when recording. No, I don't have DVR or TiVo).

Third, "gone off and were busy doing all those things that you are involved in these days."?? (oh, I know what THAT refers too..]

I have no words..

I have to hold on to the following mantra until Tuesday afternoon:
"I don't owe anybody an explanation or justification for how the boys and I life our lives."

But oh boy, the *fun* the next several days will bring.

Salamander ended up with an obscene amount of homework that needs to be done by Monday. He has a BIG project that is due on Monday that we really should have gotten started on last weekend, but alas, I wasn't here to help him get started. And this whole week has been messed up.
He has school work to make up for the days he missed this week.
He also had a project that was due today that we completely spatzed out on, so he, and other kids who forgot that same project, were assigned extra work to *teach them to remember deadlines* (we'll see about THAT on Monday..we completed this missed project this afternoon and emailed it to the teacher).

And then I discovered that Salamander's performance in his 5th grade musical is THIS UPCOMING Tuesday evening at 7 pm - and that his costume needs to be ready by Monday for Dress Rehearsal.

And then of course there is the usual weekend stuff...

Well, we'll do what we can...Me thinks a good opportunity to get the grandparents involved in helping out..

Interesting Stuff...

happening here..

So Salamander got sick on Wednesday morning, and he was pretty much out of it for the remainder of Wednesday and part of Thursday night. I am pretty sure it was some type of detox triggered by supplement tweaks I have been making since Sunday evening (but don't have the test data yet to back that up.. UTM on its way to the lab).

I let him miss school and sleep in yesterday and ever since he woke up yesterday morning at 9 am he has just been in this fabulous place. I can't completely put it into words just yet, but he's different. Happy/content/at peace different. Language operating on yet a higher level. When I was talking with him yesterday, it was like I was talking with Potatey instead of Salamander.

Cognitively Salamander is operating on a different plane too. Just so very aware, so very tuned in, so BRIGhT. More so than he has been in the past several weeks. This morning he woke up in a really good space too (it was a B12 shot day, so that did trigger some anxiety, but he got over it very quickly.. much quicker then previously..)

I have no idea what to contribute this to (I have my thoughts though, that I will keep to myself for now). I do know that yesterday was special, a gift to be such close witness to the awesomeness of Salamander.

I also have no idea if it'll hold. It doesn't matter. Getting this glimpse is something that nobody can take away from me. And if it goes away, I know we'll get it back.

Middle School placement meeting yesterday afternoon went well too. More on all of that later. I need to get started on my lengthy To Do List. Paternal grandparents are coming in tonite for a long (looooooooong???) weekend visit...

Today's Lessons...

"For when the Universe speaks, its voice can come from the most unexpected places."

That, and ...

"Take a deep breath before (re)acting... and don't get stuck in your own preconceived notions"

A wise woman told me on Sunday afternoon that being reactive is like cutting your own bangs and realizing that one side is higher than the other. So you start cutting to even things out, and you cut some more, and then some more.... Well, you get the drift.. Being reactive just never ends well..